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What if your life could change?


  
I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my path..my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..smart enough..thin enough..rich enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog ..living with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would be..to not have to worry about money..be able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in sweats..in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels ..is it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

What life is really like for a metastatic cancer survivor..



I was reading the title of Joan Lunden’s blog on someone else’s blog..about life after a Cancer diagnosis..Joan..allow me to educate you and the millions who think you just get cured and then you are the face of Cancer..yes your message is important .,but look at the above face..not even 47 yet..living with metastatic breast cancer..now in the liver with no end in sight..and hopefully the end won’t be the end of me..my birthday is in a little over a month..I would like to see 47..I am hopeful..but I am just one person..not famous..not wealthy..probably no one that interesting..I am not married..I don’t have kids..but I have breath in my lungs ..and as long as I am able I will share my life..I don’t have to know famous people or be famous or anything..but I have a name..I have a story..

I am Susan..no not that Susan that was trending last summer..just Susan..from NJ..no one special to most..but I will tell you what I am..I am a mommy to my dog Nelson and cat Mitzi..I am a daughter to Lucille..I am a sister to Steven..I am a friend to those who want it..I am a voice on the other end of the phone..I am an ear and eyes to read someone’s words in the middle of the night on Facebook..I might not be famous as you Joan..and in the world’s eyes I maybe insignificant..but what is wrong with loving yourself..do we have to be self deprecating ..it’s ok to love your self..I have this one life..no more searching for me outside of me..SO life after Cancer Joan..try life everyday..living with cancer..it doesn’t go away..as long as I am breathing it is there..look at this face to the Joan’s of the world..I may not see 50..I will try my hardest..but this face in the photo is one of millions of women living every day with cancer..with endless treatments..I am not looking for applause from you Joan..although you are not free..no Joan..you will have  to get scanned and blood tests for the rest of your life..nice to meet you Joan..I am Susan..happy for one more day..

Your approval is not needed..



This was me in December..

 

This is me right now..but my nature..when I get tired of my hair..I grab the scissors..my hair was all knotted..so I cut off all the remaining strands..I won’t walk around like this..I will wear scarves etc..I am learning to accept my new normal..my hair may not come back..they didn’t give me an end date or number of sessions..of chemo,,it could be as long as I live..however long that is..so I might as well make the best out of it.,I have wigs..I don’t like them..hats and scarves seem easier for me,,especially the scarves that are made into hats and all you have to do is slip it on..once again I am going thru a grieving process..in the beginning of the cancer diagnosis I was grieving.,then meds for cancer sunk me into a depression that I couldn’t pull out of ..meds for depression helped me not want to feel like I am dying while I am alive..

I was dreading chemo..due to the fear of vomiting and losing my hair..well my hair did fall out and I had to cut off the rest..but fortunately I haven’t vomited once..so that’s a blessing..and I am learning to be at peace with me..my appearance now,,yes I will cover my head..I can’t do that..walk around with no hair..just not a good look for me..I only cut the remaining strands just out of convenience so I don’t have to pull it out of the shower drain..I don’t have a man in my life.,so I don’t have anyone to please ️but me..but shouldn’t it always be that way..but it’s not ..I live with my mom and she didn’t want me shaving my head and I didn’t want to do it..she would laugh at me without a hat on..not on purpose.,her emotions are frayed for some reason and get affected by her trips to the bathroom..so I do what I can for myself..

I am on a singles site..but I don’t even care about that…it’s worse than a job interview.,and most don’t even write you back,.not that any of them are GQ models ..and obviously shallow ..unkind people that I don’t want to bother with.,many times I responded to people I had no intention of anything with..but to be nice or something to do or whatever,,but usually the conversation would fizzle out..my energy is important to me..if it takes up too much I move away from it..

Over the past week..I connected with a cousin I didn’t know I had ..who is a history teacher and has an interest in our family tree..so my mother and I have been going thru old photos..and I am looking at photos of me with different hairstyles and stages in my life.,where I can remember back to how people treated me..and I use to try so hard.. so people would like me..biggest ahh ha for me.,they will usually not like me ..no matter how I style my hair..whether I gain 20 lbs or lose 50..it just doesn’t matter.,yes I have never been morbidly obese.,yes I am over 200 lbs..209 to be exact..which is good for me.,currently..I was up to 230 2 summers ago..so I made some progress..and it is still a lot for a 5ft 2 inch person to carry..but I carry it all over..so it balances out..I guess my point is yes I would rather be thin..but honestly most of the times I was thin in my life I was deeply depressed or sick..because honestly I like food..so if I have some meat on my bones that means I am well..thin does not always equal beautiful.,actually back in history in old paintings the women were always painted as curvy and robust..the thin ones were associated with poverty and being malnourished..

I sometimes will get frightened every time I hit a new level of peace with myself..my fear is once all the layers of fear are all pealed away..my life will end..well that’s where my mind goes these days..and although my body isn’t in physical pain other than the once in awhile toothache..and headache and tinge of pain from my liver tube..I feel pretty good and am In  good spirits..

And there’s always dogs..sharing Nelson’s photo just because I can..,………

 


2 year Cancerversery


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Well world..I am still HERE…I can’t believe it has been 2 yrs.. Since my original cancer diagnosis..The three words no one ever wants to hear..”YOU HAVE CANCER”….It has been such a roller coaster ride..Sometimes I question my own decisions..only because I am still dealing with this 2 years later..Surgery wouldn’t have solved my problem since it did spread some..surgery would have made it spread more..I am still getting hormone therapy and that has been fun.. I currently Take a pill to be able to sleep..But, I have accepted this..and hopefully it is helping me get better emotionally..and get more sleep..

In the last 2 months I have been an emotional wreck with the hormone changes..not being able to sleep..depression..which I can honestly say was from the medication..I am slowly coming back to being more positive..if I need a mild pill to help so be it..it doesn’t mean I am weak ..I just needed a little help..I don’t have all the answers..but I pray often..I don’t have many friends, but I have a few..Life is still challenging for me..it was prior to cancer..but I will continue to do my best as each day comes..and make the most out of it..

We are here to help people..


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We are here to help each other..This is something my boyfriend keeps saying which is a bit surprising because he isn’t really religious, but it makes sense..I sat with him on a cold porch Friday night handing out Halloween candy..I didn’t want him out there by himself., plus I knew he wasn’t feeling well..He wanted the kids to have candy and this way our dogs wouldn’t get upset from the doorbell and knocking..Hopefully he didn’t get worse from being out there.,we were only out for about 2 hours and he did go inside a few times..A neighbor kid with his group mentioned to his buddies that “they don’t talk to us”..no one listened and took our candy and so did he..A few other kids did not stop at our house on purpose..I have heard a kid or two call me weird..and I was starting to take it personal..I have been called weird..and many adjectives thru out my life..and quite frankly it’s getting old..I wanted to write a note to the parents who told their child they don’t speak to us..but I decided to pray for them instead.,Yes..maybe the child is autistic..and can’t think for himself..and trusts his parents who work in the medical field.. Who you would think would be caring loving people..maybe to their own KIND or class..so be it..I didn’t snub their child and not give him candy..

I have been called weird, different,ugly,so many names..and I use to believe them..IT DOESN’T MATTER..I can’t please them..I have tried..it never works..so now I am on meds that make me moody..fearful.,all sorts of lovely side effects..but I am still alive..weird or not..it’s just an opinion..and doesn’t really matter..

So back to helping people.,so why would I want to help people..people have been very cruel to me..many times I did just want to die and give up..Because as I am quoting..from my own inner guidance..”my dear, you are here for a reason” I could have moved back home with my mom..I chose to live with people who aren’t family..Who, struggle financially.But for some reason I felt I was suppose to be here..Are the neighbors lovely sweet people..no not to me..Is the neighborhood anything special..it is nice..but they are just people ..maybe a little snooty..is it embarrassing being a grown woman living in someone’s home? sure..

Rick told me a story about his neighbor Andree..who was also sick, but came over to try to fix the furnace..he told me how he bought a new heating system for a couple who fell on hard times, but once had money..

I decided to give away some nice coats I have..One is a Calvin Klein down coat..They no longer fit ..yes I could stick in a bin but I really want to give it to someone..maybe a cancer patient who gained weight like me..and needs a larger size..I was inspired by the young lady who ended her life yesterday with brain cancer..She said to pay it forward..And so I am..Weird or not..crazy or not..blah blah..I am still here..not hiding ..living..as long as I can..willing to help..Because isn’t that what life is about..

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Stronger than you think..


So I haven’t blogged in a little while..I find myself pushing myself more than ever..Not sure if I can blame the new injections..or the chemical menopause my body is in..I’m hot then cold..So I decided to take Nelson for a walk around the block..just to get my own endorphins in my brain going and to fight off the negative thoughts..Which has been a battle lately, but I try to not burden others with my thoughts, which come and go..Yesterday, I went for a drive to escape where I am living..Rick’s family was over visiting his mother and I just felt so alone and trapped..So I jumped in my car and just kept driving..Thoughts of worthlessness..tears rolling down my face..Thoughts of why bother with the treatments..No one cares anyway, why fight so hard..and trying to control my own brain..I really don’t want to take another pill to make myself feel better..So I finally came home and sat in the apartment..Rick came in and listened to me..

He really does love me..And I am thankful for his love..I just get so lonely some times..I feel powerless ..Afraid of everything and everyone..the feelings come and go..so perhaps they aren’t mine, but from the medication..Not really sure..I constantly pray..”God please help me” but sometimes I think even God isn’t there..I feel kinda helpless at times..And life seems so hard..Wishing I was smarter..prettier..thinner..blah…

So during my walk with Nelson this morning..I was saying in my mind ..”You are powerful not powerless”..”You are strong”..Not sure where this came from..But I just went with it..I was watching a video by Sean Stephenson on my Facebook newsfeed..There was this little man dancing in his wheel chair and being so positive..I thought wow if he can do it so can I..

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Being Gentle with ourselves..


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I like to watch the news, but I take it in small bite size pieces..I even caught myself getting upset with the news of a local doctor being seen locally after recently returning from Africa…sigh Deep breath..It’s good to be informed, but we also need to keep our heads on straight..Continue to pray for guidance..do what we can..Today I made myself a smoothie using all left over items..An apple..some carrots..wheat juice powder..It wasn’t the most tasty smoothie, but some things that are good for us don’t taste good..So one step at a time..Do your best and do what you can..If maybe all you can do is get up ..and brush your teeth..That is ok..Or if you emotionally feel sad..On your good days..do what you can..