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When you feel like you are climbing up hill…


  
I’ve been having a rough time on Navelbine..and this is my first week..I cancelled my chemo for today..and may have to tell my oncologist I want to stop..this is where it gets frustrating for the Cancer patient..I could try to stick this one out but the stomach cramps are just too much for me..and unfortunately..each medication has side effects..and they keep trying different ones as long as you can tolerate it or as long as it works..I see why patients get frustrated..and want to quit..I want to quit..not so much on life..but treatment..and as my body gets weaker..I wonder how much more I could handle until it shuts down..

Now usually by now most Cancer patients will try the natural route if they can raise funds or have the money..and sometimes they make a miraculous come back and sometimes they don’t..

So it makes me think…where is God? I was watching a documentary about tornados and they asked that question when people lost their lives..and it makes me question..because I doubt a lot..and think well this is just my fate..and every now and then I start swinging again holding onto hope..and I am always looking for advice..some have said..visualize the treatments healing you..kinda tough to do when you are in pain..and if I only ate an alkaline diet..and cut out the junk..no sugar..

So the doctor’s office just called..he’s willing to reduce the chemo by 50%..sigh..not looking forward to feeling crappy again..

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Writing therapy..


  
Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that..   I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract yourself..do things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix myself..prayer..food..the right person..to me writing can be lethargic..you are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the bad..it’s such a lonely road..

The first paragraph was written yesterday..it’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal cancer..so I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional support..mom tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..

I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s it..in the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets  to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.

I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my dog..do things that make me happy..realize we can choose our thoughts..now this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..

What is normal?


Something I have never been..I have lived my entire life trying to fit in..trying to be loved..trying to survive some how ..Now I am living with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer..Although I live with my mom and brother,,..I still feel very alone..it’s an odd place to be..alive while your body is dying..says the doctors,,..I have read and read..and talked to many on the phone.,facebook..email..I take antidepressants..I try to eat something healthy daily..I pray daily ..

I don’t know how I am suppose to act.,think..be..Yes it’s almost 4 yrs living with stage 4 and 5 yrs in November from original diagnosis..I have spoken to counsellors..doctors..many people..yes no one else knows exactly how you feel..I just feel dismissed like I always have..people unfriend me and even block..Geez like I message that many people on my facebook page..I only have it as a way to connect with people..2 took the time  to private message me to see how I was feeling after my procedure..When the chaplain lady came in to talk to me..she had no clue why I was in the hospital..and after a few minutes I bursted out crying..she tried to be kind and said the same story..go to support group.,a church..volunteer..all good ideas..I haven’t tried volunteering yet…

So even with Cancer I still feel very alone..and this is terrible to say but I get a bit envious of people with people in their life..people who support them..women with husbands..yes many have kids to care for..I can barely care for me some days..and people don’t continue to feel sorry for me..actually they get angry..and say others have it worse then me ..

So this morning I came downstairs with my dog..cleaned up the cat vomit from cat..before the dog ate it..cleaned the yard..of dog poop while Nelson was outside..got the newspaper..and snapped at my poor mother who was just talking to me ..I took my pill..went to my room..shut the door.,and cried my eyes out.,a loud whaling cry like a wounded animal..but it’s never enough..it’s like I need to keep crying.,for me it’s good when I can cry..when I am deeply depressed I can’t even cry..I cry because I constantly fight to stay here..but too much of a coward to end my life and have my poor mom find me..I’m just tired..yes maybe this isn’t healthy to type out all these thoughts.,who knows..I’m tired of talking about it to others,,and the one response I hear from quite a few Cancer patients are..no one cares,,..I mean I’m sure their people care to an extent..and I get how it’s depressing..so as a Cancer patient it’s more exhausting trying to put on a face..and suck it up..

I am sure having the liver biopsy triggered more sadness..and the pain from it..and talking with the new doctor who wants to do the chemoembolization..who has the personality of a fish..and I’m no one to him..and all these thoughts make me want to run away..but I have no where to run to..I wish I had friends who I could stay with to get a way..and get a break from treatment..yes I try to be grateful..yes it could be worse..I could be homeless..with no one..I’m just angry..

There are books out about loving yourself more and it causes disease..perhaps..and if I only loved myself more I could heal my Cancer..or if I didn’t eat sugar..

Yesterday I was very angry..in pain physically and angry..and Rick messages me about the news he heard on his job about my brother’s work..and proceeded to message me..and call..not to see how I am but because of the info he had..so I finally responded and said I told my brother..my brother didn’t seem worried.,than I cursed Rick out thru text..still hurt that he couldn’t support me..that he moved to Florida  with his mom..yes it was stressful..but he did it to make her happy..and so he wouldn’t be homeless..and I am forced to live with my mom and brother..I am sure my brother feels the same..although he has helped financially..emotionally he just can’t..so he is happily living his little life..not trying to comfort me or anything..just two different worlds..

So I try to be positive..like people say..I’m just getting tired of fighting..mean while as I type this my brother and mom are discussing the new flat screen tv he finally hooked up after 3 months..Yes I’m bitter..I have $3 in the bank..feel pretty worthless..

What if your life could change?


  
I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my path..my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..smart enough..thin enough..rich enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog ..living with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would be..to not have to worry about money..be able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in sweats..in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels ..is it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

Could this be you? An adult with autism..


Over the years I have done research on autism..learning disabilities..and aspergers..I have never been diagnosed , but I believe these are some of my issues..which contribute to depression.,and bipolar is in my family and I have read that bipolar sometimes have these issues..and medication helps..I tried all my life to be like everyone else,,and there are times when I am happier and can think more for myself..but when the depression comes in my mind works even slower..it’s like I have to tell my brain what to think..which would also explain..why I always had trouble reading and understanding what I read.,and math…not my thing..but if I look at something I can remember it..like a photo..I have always had trouble when more depressed picking out clothing and looking presentable..and interacting with people..I can usually handle one person at a time..and I usually always looked for reassurance..partly because the name calling of my appearance ..etc..so being home away from people is more comfortable.,I also have issues with walking and swinging my arms..and would explain why I was never good at sports..although some might be.,I was always awkward on a bike..but swimming I could do for some reason..
I found in myself I tend to mimic what I see.like if with someone ..I have also noticed behaviors in my brother since I moved back home..he does try to hide it when out but when he’s home I can see it..my dad didn’t have a speech problem..but would get angry easily..and was more book smarts and loved the focus to be on him..also I found it’s tough to relate to things others go thru..unless for me thru memory or my own experiences..
I have had jobs but the getting along with others and depending on the type of job..if I worked alone like pet sitting I could do..again I guess it depends if I’m medicated but then the anger issues happen..
So this may explain why maybe Cancer and ️living has been such a struggle for me.,because most of my life has been..and it’s hard for anyone to relate..back when I was a kid they didn’t know about the different levels..oh yeah also getting lefts and rights confused,,I never really knew what was wrong with me..and just wished I was different.,or my parents were different..

I have noticed some people look more normal..for me I know I am different…and when around normal people I always felt less then and would get depressed..because I had trouble and was usually the one people didn’t like..
It kinda scares me that Trump is President…I think he just brings out the worst in people..
Also since Cancer tends to make you look at your life more..I find myself doing that more…and it’s been tough because my brother has his issues and can’t relate to me or doesn’t want to only if he has too..he enjoys when I am upstairs and he has my mom all to himself..I hear him talking baby talk to my pets and it makes him happy that they like him..
I was watching this documentary on Netflix about dating with autism..some were more functional..also may explain why I had issues there..and Rick and I got along because I think he was on the spectrum too but higher functioning..
I felt I should share ..not sure if anyone can relate or have children with different issues..I think for adults it’s harder because it wasn’t known back then..and we’ve learned different coping mechanisms..,and of course everyone is different..

Be your own hero..


I dunno..the title just came to me.,so I tend to just go with things and take it from there,,kinda how I live my life these days..which reminds me of some homework a well meaning social worker , but obviously no experience working with people living with cancer,,..she said to me..”Write down some goals.”.blah blah..

I have several points of view on this..1. My medical reports say I have terminal cancer..but like my hero Valerie Harper who is living with terminal brain cancer..actually it’s metastatic cancer..started some where else..like me..she would say..” I may be terminal..but not today”! So..if I view myself as terminal then why even set goals..although I was never really a planner..but my point is if I am going to die anytime soon why bother., 2. I do set goals,,but in my head,,each day..well sometimes I write it down.,I think of things I have to do such as pet sitting..or a dr appt..or do something for my mom..then I focus on things I want to do…like making jewelry..crafting..reading..whatever..so at the end of the night,,such as now..as I write this,,I can lay my head on the pillow..and say ..”thank you God for another day..it was good..” So I will sit here or lay in bed and think of things I accomplished…good deeds..etc..such as..mom wanted me to drive her to pay her taxes..I said I would but when she wanted to know when I wanted to go around 2p..I acted like a 10 yr old..because I didn’t want to..I felt cornered like a scared dog..and forced to..and I got snarky with my mom..then I felt bad..got dressed…drove her…then we had to wait because the tax lady was chatty with the elderly man before us..but I kept my cool…trust me,,I wanted to say..”excuse me..we have been waiting a while,,” but I didn’t..my mom paid ..got her receipt and was content..ok as content as you can be paying taxes..

So as I sit here I think ..well I didn’t want to do that…I threw a fit..like a child ..then I sucked it up..and was able to just relax and make jewelry the rest of the day.. Ya see..I don’t have a plan..zero zilch..do I go back to work? What if I get sick..I don’t feel sick though..but that could change..so instead I focus on what I can control..I want to try to eat better,,I have been adding more veggies to my diet..for lunch I made a veggie pizza..cauliflower crust with red pepper and spinach and onion,,..so when my brain gets into that stinkin thinkin..mode..l physically move my body..even if it is just doing stuff around the house…because if I think too much I think how much my life sucks..and how much of a loser I am..then I have to quiet that voice..and just do what is in front of me..I have nothing to prove to anyone..not even me..where every so often I think well I have to work..or go to school or both..be some title..or that the lack of one makes me less then..like..for instance..I have a very curious knowledge towards natural health..foods..herbs..learned it from my mom.,and well she is 80 so she must be doing something right.,I text Rick to check on him..he wasn’t feeling well yesterday..still not well..he didn’t want to go to the dr..and I don’t blame him , they don’t always help..so I just gave him advice he already knew..drink lots of fluids.,ginger ale helps the tummy..ginger tea..peppermint..lots of water..rest..not that this had anything to do with him..but I feel pleased with myself..for a moment thinking I should go to school for this…get a certificate…piece of paper stating that I went to school and learned..I wasn’t one for school..I live the school of life.,I went to college to be a counselor..dropped out..but I counsel Susan’s way..from my own life experiences..from reading…watching videos.,speaking with knowledgable people..

So today I am going to be my own hero…instead of seeking someone or something..to save me..because at the end of the day..we still have to deal with ourselves…and say I did the best I could today..God willing…I will be blessed with another day!

Middle of the night ramblings..


  
So I woke up fom a dream and felt totally worthless…haven’t felt like that in awhile..and I was sitting here thinking..wow maybe this thought is right..I mean the reality,,I am 46..if I would die tomorrow very few would care..my life doesn’t add that much value to this world..I am overweight…I am not someone’s mother.,well other than my furry kids..I didn’t graduate college..I am not someone’s wife..I don’t even have a job currently..living off of SSI and living at my mother’s home..and oh yeah I have stage 4 metastatic cancer..so I could die at anytime..

SO I get up..go to the bathroom and I hear a Christian song in my head..Ya know when you listen to music and a song gets stuck…well that’s what happened..so I try to find the song on YouTube..and I found this one instead..

http://youtu.be/hmHfo_3EGFA

Rise up by Andra..

“MOUNTAINS..I RISE UP..LIKE THE DAY!!!” Maybe exactly what I needed to hear to shake off the blues..maybe in the world’s eyes..I am a mess..but..I am still alive..so that’s a good thing..so the rest is up to me what I do with that.. “All we need is hope”… Even if I don’t have anyone to cheer me on..and say atta girl..I guess I have to give myself a good old atta girl..you have nothing to prove..you aren’t done yet…not sure what that means.,but my light is still shining bright and hasn’t been snuffed out yet..I don’t have to have fancy degrees..fancy anything ..from the world’s perspective I am pretty much nothing.,but in God’s eye I am something…

So as small as my life has become ..I have a choice…to focus on that voice that says I am useless..or turn it around and say Nah..God’s not done with me yet.,it is 3:58am on a Thursday morning..and what did I decide to do..I decided to give myself a dose of strength and courage..and show one very good gift I have..I can write and express my thoughts.,so if only one person reads this..that’s fine..but this is for me..my own therapy..when I have no one other than God to talk to at 4am..I pour out my thoughts and fears in this blog..because it is called ..A Time to Heal..so I am talking back to those thoughts that said I am worthless .just give up..nah not yet…and not today…

My value is worth more than a paycheck..and in the world’s view ..I guess I have very little to show for it or much value..this may seem silly or not worth much..but just an example..so the other day I was mailing a package to a friend..something he wanted ..so I just bought it and sent it to him..as I was walking up to the front door of the Post Office..l see what looked like a walking wall of boxes.,so I shouted..”do you need help”? As he was trying to figure out how to grab the door or maybe hoping someone would help..I don’t think he thought it out..so I ran up..and said..” Here I will help you.,there is no way you can get the door” ok small and probably insignificant…but that man was grateful..that would have been a distraction to drop about 10 boxes..right in front of the front door..and it made me feel useful..I mean I could have not shown up..my mom tried to slow me down by wanting to go with me…but I just ran out for a few minutes..so my life served a purpose that moment.,to hold the door open for someone that couldn’t do it themselves..and he may have not even realized he needed help..

So right there…I proved those worthless thoughts wrong..I helped someone..at that moment..couldn’t help themselves..and yesterday..I sat home and made jewelry..and spent time with my mom..and petted my dog..and petted my cat.,and smiled..and chatted on Facebook..maybe insignificant..but I am alive.,and still useful..God’s not done with me yet…