Everyone’s got a story..

In my daily practice of reading..learning about others and myself..healing myself..although we are all in motion even if it doesn’t seem that way..I find myself on the Internet a lot , but reading and watching inspirational I watched several about animals in desperate situations and kind souls helped..and to me that’s inspiration to keep plugging along..One of the cats had a brain injury ..and his now owners saw him laying at rescue place and he did his best to hop and wobble over to them.,..this cat could just lay there , but knew if I go to this person I will be cared for..Maybe we all have that inner knowing inside of us..

Then there was the bearded lady story..where this girl had a hormonal problem..and had to wax her face..and she was still teased terribly and depressed..she decided to accept herself as she grew out her lady beard as she calls it..she says she still gets teased..and gets depressed..but she has learned to accept herself..and I guess that’s where my biggest struggle has been…self acceptance..leaning to accept yourself where ever you are in life..for me I have my hair it perfect..of course not..but I always had the love hate thing with my hair..face.,..maybe if I start loving and accepting myself as is..regardless if my body is over heated from different temperatures,.and I’m fighting to look presentable..and not a mess..I’m at the point ,.whatever I need to do to get out the door..which I don’t do a lot of these days..and regardless of what’s going on outside of me..I can control me ..I can’t control other people..and whether they like me..are nice..or whatever,.no one can..

I spent most of my life hanging out with people who were nice to me even sometimes not so nice to not be alone..and be with men that liked me ..and I was ok  with it..and the ones I really liked well it didn’t last long or was a fling..I’m learning being alone isn’t always a bad thing..I live with family but spend a lot of time in my room with the door open.,reading.,on the Internet..writing these days..and if I want to be with family they are there..or just hang with my dog..but right now it’s nice I can may not happen tomorrow..but when the day comes..where I no longer have a choice about getting out of bed when I please..and needing someone to assist me..although even in those times as long as your mind is still functional ..then there’s always hope..


When you feel like you are climbing up hill…

I’ve been having a rough time on Navelbine..and this is my first week..I cancelled my chemo for today..and may have to tell my oncologist I want to stop..this is where it gets frustrating for the Cancer patient..I could try to stick this one out but the stomach cramps are just too much for me..and unfortunately..each medication has side effects..and they keep trying different ones as long as you can tolerate it or as long as it works..I see why patients get frustrated..and want to quit..I want to quit..not so much on life..but treatment..and as my body gets weaker..I wonder how much more I could handle until it shuts down..

Now usually by now most Cancer patients will try the natural route if they can raise funds or have the money..and sometimes they make a miraculous come back and sometimes they don’t..

So it makes me think…where is God? I was watching a documentary about tornados and they asked that question when people lost their lives..and it makes me question..because I doubt a lot..and think well this is just my fate..and every now and then I start swinging again holding onto hope..and I am always looking for advice..some have said..visualize the treatments healing you..kinda tough to do when you are in pain..and if I only ate an alkaline diet..and cut out the sugar..

So the doctor’s office just called..he’s willing to reduce the chemo by 50%..sigh..not looking forward to feeling crappy again..

Writing therapy..

Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that..   I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix right me writing can be are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the’s such a lonely road..

The first paragraph was written’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..

I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets  to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.

I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my things that make me happy..realize we can choose our this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..

What is normal?

Something I have never been..I have lived my entire life trying to fit in..trying to be loved..trying to survive some how ..Now I am living with Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer..Although I live with my mom and brother,,..I still feel very’s an odd place to be..alive while your body is dying..says the doctors,,..I have read and read..and talked to many on the phone., take antidepressants..I try to eat something healthy daily..I pray daily ..

I don’t know how I am suppose to act., it’s almost 4 yrs living with stage 4 and 5 yrs in November from original diagnosis..I have spoken to counsellors..doctors..many people..yes no one else knows exactly how you feel..I just feel dismissed like I always have..people unfriend me and even block..Geez like I message that many people on my facebook page..I only have it as a way to connect with people..2 took the time  to private message me to see how I was feeling after my procedure..When the chaplain lady came in to talk to me..she had no clue why I was in the hospital..and after a few minutes I bursted out crying..she tried to be kind and said the same story..go to support group.,a church..volunteer..all good ideas..I haven’t tried volunteering yet…

So even with Cancer I still feel very alone..and this is terrible to say but I get a bit envious of people with people in their life..people who support them..women with husbands..yes many have kids to care for..I can barely care for me some days..and people don’t continue to feel sorry for me..actually they get angry..and say others have it worse then me ..

So this morning I came downstairs with my dog..cleaned up the cat vomit from cat..before the dog ate it..cleaned the yard..of dog poop while Nelson was the newspaper..and snapped at my poor mother who was just talking to me ..I took my pill..went to my room..shut the door.,and cried my eyes out.,a loud whaling cry like a wounded animal..but it’s never’s like I need to keep crying.,for me it’s good when I can cry..when I am deeply depressed I can’t even cry..I cry because I constantly fight to stay here..but too much of a coward to end my life and have my poor mom find me..I’m just tired..yes maybe this isn’t healthy to type out all these thoughts.,who knows..I’m tired of talking about it to others,,and the one response I hear from quite a few Cancer patients one cares,,..I mean I’m sure their people care to an extent..and I get how it’s as a Cancer patient it’s more exhausting trying to put on a face..and suck it up..

I am sure having the liver biopsy triggered more sadness..and the pain from it..and talking with the new doctor who wants to do the chemoembolization..who has the personality of a fish..and I’m no one to him..and all these thoughts make me want to run away..but I have no where to run to..I wish I had friends who I could stay with to get a way..and get a break from treatment..yes I try to be grateful..yes it could be worse..I could be homeless..with no one..I’m just angry..

There are books out about loving yourself more and it causes disease..perhaps..and if I only loved myself more I could heal my Cancer..or if I didn’t eat sugar..

Yesterday I was very pain physically and angry..and Rick messages me about the news he heard on his job about my brother’s work..and proceeded to message me..and call..not to see how I am but because of the info he I finally responded and said I told my brother didn’t seem worried.,than I cursed Rick out thru text..still hurt that he couldn’t support me..that he moved to Florida  with his mom..yes it was stressful..but he did it to make her happy..and so he wouldn’t be homeless..and I am forced to live with my mom and brother..I am sure my brother feels the same..although he has helped financially..emotionally he just can’ he is happily living his little life..not trying to comfort me or anything..just two different worlds..

So I try to be people say..I’m just getting tired of fighting..mean while as I type this my brother and mom are discussing the new flat screen tv he finally hooked up after 3 months..Yes I’m bitter..I have $3 in the bank..feel pretty worthless..

The life of the lost soul..

My life started innocent enough..I was born into a middle class family..Born in Princeton NJ at the old Princeton Hospital.. At the tail end of the 60s..Growing never really know that your family is different or you are different until you get around others or start school..I had a loving mother…my father loved me in his own way..And my brother..well I guess he tolerated his little annoying sister..and still does..

I remember pretty much being happy until I started kindergarten ..My mom and family would tell me I was I didn’t think any different..and I remember being a happy child..I don’t remember asking a lot of questions as a child..I remember being happy with life.,.I always loved animals and still do…I guess I was fairly one diagnosed me as slow or having a learning problem or brain disorder..

My childhood was fairly normal..We went on vacation in Florida for winter break..We had relatives visit for the holidays..We played on our swing set ..went sledding in the winter…swimming in the summer..

I remember my first memory when I was about 4-5 and my mom was pregnant in the hospital and my dad brought me..He left me in the car..I don’t remember him saying a days you get arrested for that,,..I just remember crying standing outside of the car and this nice couple brought me inside the hospital..My mom said I came in her room.,saying “Hi Mommy”.. I guess kids weren’t allowed in the maternity ward,,..I remember being in the car with my dad,,he went in a store to get candy..he came back with 2 Hershey Bars and a Charms Lollipop..I think..well I fell asleep in the back of the station wagon..With my lollipop in my hair and alone…I think somewhere in there my dad picked up my brother..


I remember asking my mom about school..and my mom said I would make friends and I forget what else she said..I was nervous because I was home with mom a lot..I don’t remember having little friends..maybe neighbor friends..but not sure at that age..I remember in school I was very quiet and hung around who ever was nice to me..I didn’t mind school..except when kids were mean to me..I didn’t know to stick  up for myself..and I guess I wasn’t very smart socially ..but in school I did well..although I had trouble remembering what I read..I was placed in regular classes..and did fairly well..

Maybe back then I had aspergers ..but they didn’t know about it then..although school wasn’t easy for me being in public..grade school was easier than high school..I had a few friends in grade school..Back then you were invited to many sleep overs.,actually everyone was..until the kids realized you weren’t cool anymore..or weird or whatever..but I did have my little crew back then..I went to camp in 5th grade..and I remember I was out in a canoe with another girl..and we kept going in circles rowing..maybe a clue I was off.,And not good at anything with direction..or athletic..but are was my love,..
Mrs..Henniger’s art class was awesome..we made candles and pottery..and painted.,it was great.,

But if you asked me things I learned in school I couldn’t tell you..I made it  to high school..which was difficult..I do remember always forgetting my locker combination..but I didn’t know that was something wrong..and math was never my thing..As for friends..I just hung around who was sorta nice to me..and would learn things from them..

I do remember my dad yelling a lot when I was a kid..and I remember being frightened of him..My mom was home so she helped me with my home work..and played with me..I also followed my brother around..Actually we were pretty normal..back then you had 12 channels..? I had to get up and change the channel..I remember my brother and I fighting over what to watch and him dragging me by my hair and me screaming..”mooooooommmmmm”..

So high school was tough.,I hung around a couple of people..I did ok in school..and art was my  favorite.,and English class..I remember being called names in school and people saying..oh I hate that girl when I would walk thru the halls..I did have a boyfriend ..but he wasn’t with me all the time of course..I remember many times during lunch..standing in a phone booth.,calling my mom..

I baby sat for a nice woman with a was pretty easy..but I couldn’t handle kids who acted up..I could barely manage my life..I worked at Roy Rogers..remember them?  Some of my friends worked there.,but I still got teased.,and had my issues..I hung around those that were nice to me..because I wasn’t good at social things,,but not many were real friends..and I always had a difficult time..I didn’t understand things or people..but could run the register.,give change..but always looked for approval from  others.,I learned guys would like you..but that came with consequences.,and I always thought there was something wrong with me.,so I needed someone to help me live life..I guess my dad was not very social but he was book smarts..we learned when I was a child he was bipolar after an incident..but he always yelled and screamed..

I was never good with money..and would spend my money on clothes and trying to fit in..

I went to community college…and my dad bought me a car.,I didn’t finish school..and I ran off to NY with a guy I was dating..looking back the relationships I did have ..the guys would try.,,and we did ok if it was just us..but I did tend to get jealous..I moved back home and would  do temp work..I had a lot of jobs back then..I had many jobs..once again I had trouble with people..I would get depressed..and was always more comfortable away from people..

Fast forward to 1994.. I applied for a pet sitting job and enjoyed that.,I could care for pets..and get paid..but I still had my struggles..I guess I always felt different.,things were harder for me..

A lot of other things happen through out my life..but some things I will not share here..

I moved back home a few times..and moved out when I was 30 on my own..I was babysitting for a pet sitting client..for 3 back into pet sitting..

I lived alone for 11 yrs..and moved in with a boyfriend and his mom’s home..I was there for 4 yrs..and I had my moods..and liked my privacy..I guess I hoped we’d get married…but that didn’t happen.,fast forward to 2015..

I moved back to mom’s home…with my dog and May 20 15 ..I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012..I became stage 4 in here I am ..lonely..literally fighting for my life..and honestly sometimes I just want it over.,..Yes ..I could try another counselor..or another medication for depression..I keep hoping my brain will sort itself out ..currently I am still in treatment ..and trying to keep fighting..

What if your life could change?

I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..thin enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would not have to worry about able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

Could this be you? An adult with autism..

Over the years I have done research on autism..learning disabilities..and aspergers..I have never been diagnosed , but I believe these are some of my issues..which contribute to depression.,and bipolar is in my family and I have read that bipolar sometimes have these issues..and medication helps..I tried all my life to be like everyone else,,and there are times when I am happier and can think more for myself..but when the depression comes in my mind works even’s like I have to tell my brain what to think..which would also explain..why I always had trouble reading and understanding what I read.,and math…not my thing..but if I look at something I can remember a photo..I have always had trouble when more depressed picking out clothing and looking presentable..and interacting with people..I can usually handle one person at a time..and I usually always looked for reassurance..partly because the name calling of my appearance being home away from people is more comfortable.,I also have issues with walking and swinging my arms..and would explain why I was never good at sports..although some might be.,I was always awkward on a bike..but swimming I could do for some reason..
I found in myself I tend to mimic what I if with someone ..I have also noticed behaviors in my brother since I moved back home..he does try to hide it when out but when he’s home I can see dad didn’t have a speech problem..but would get angry easily..and was more book smarts and loved the focus to be on him..also I found it’s tough to relate to things others go thru..unless for me thru memory or my own experiences..
I have had jobs but the getting along with others and depending on the type of job..if I worked alone like pet sitting I could do..again I guess it depends if I’m medicated but then the anger issues happen..
So this may explain why maybe Cancer and ️living has been such a struggle for me.,because most of my life has been..and it’s hard for anyone to relate..back when I was a kid they didn’t know about the different levels..oh yeah also getting lefts and rights confused,,I never really knew what was wrong with me..and just wished I was different.,or my parents were different..

I have noticed some people look more normal..for me I know I am different…and when around normal people I always felt less then and would get depressed..because I had trouble and was usually the one people didn’t like..
It kinda scares me that Trump is President…I think he just brings out the worst in people..
Also since Cancer tends to make you look at your life more..I find myself doing that more…and it’s been tough because my brother has his issues and can’t relate to me or doesn’t want to only if he has too..he enjoys when I am upstairs and he has my mom all to himself..I hear him talking baby talk to my pets and it makes him happy that they like him..
I was watching this documentary on Netflix about dating with autism..some were more functional..also may explain why I had issues there..and Rick and I got along because I think he was on the spectrum too but higher functioning..
I felt I should share ..not sure if anyone can relate or have children with different issues..I think for adults it’s harder because it wasn’t known back then..and we’ve learned different coping mechanisms..,and of course everyone is different..