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Writing therapy..


  
Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that..   I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract yourself..do things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix myself..prayer..food..the right person..to me writing can be lethargic..you are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the bad..it’s such a lonely road..

The first paragraph was written yesterday..it’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal cancer..so I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional support..mom tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..

I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s it..in the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets  to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.

I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my dog..do things that make me happy..realize we can choose our thoughts..now this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..

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What if your life could change?


  
I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my path..my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..smart enough..thin enough..rich enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog ..living with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would be..to not have to worry about money..be able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in sweats..in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels ..is it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

Be your own hero..


I dunno..the title just came to me.,so I tend to just go with things and take it from there,,kinda how I live my life these days..which reminds me of some homework a well meaning social worker , but obviously no experience working with people living with cancer,,..she said to me..”Write down some goals.”.blah blah..

I have several points of view on this..1. My medical reports say I have terminal cancer..but like my hero Valerie Harper who is living with terminal brain cancer..actually it’s metastatic cancer..started some where else..like me..she would say..” I may be terminal..but not today”! So..if I view myself as terminal then why even set goals..although I was never really a planner..but my point is if I am going to die anytime soon why bother., 2. I do set goals,,but in my head,,each day..well sometimes I write it down.,I think of things I have to do such as pet sitting..or a dr appt..or do something for my mom..then I focus on things I want to do…like making jewelry..crafting..reading..whatever..so at the end of the night,,such as now..as I write this,,I can lay my head on the pillow..and say ..”thank you God for another day..it was good..” So I will sit here or lay in bed and think of things I accomplished…good deeds..etc..such as..mom wanted me to drive her to pay her taxes..I said I would but when she wanted to know when I wanted to go around 2p..I acted like a 10 yr old..because I didn’t want to..I felt cornered like a scared dog..and forced to..and I got snarky with my mom..then I felt bad..got dressed…drove her…then we had to wait because the tax lady was chatty with the elderly man before us..but I kept my cool…trust me,,I wanted to say..”excuse me..we have been waiting a while,,” but I didn’t..my mom paid ..got her receipt and was content..ok as content as you can be paying taxes..

So as I sit here I think ..well I didn’t want to do that…I threw a fit..like a child ..then I sucked it up..and was able to just relax and make jewelry the rest of the day.. Ya see..I don’t have a plan..zero zilch..do I go back to work? What if I get sick..I don’t feel sick though..but that could change..so instead I focus on what I can control..I want to try to eat better,,I have been adding more veggies to my diet..for lunch I made a veggie pizza..cauliflower crust with red pepper and spinach and onion,,..so when my brain gets into that stinkin thinkin..mode..l physically move my body..even if it is just doing stuff around the house…because if I think too much I think how much my life sucks..and how much of a loser I am..then I have to quiet that voice..and just do what is in front of me..I have nothing to prove to anyone..not even me..where every so often I think well I have to work..or go to school or both..be some title..or that the lack of one makes me less then..like..for instance..I have a very curious knowledge towards natural health..foods..herbs..learned it from my mom.,and well she is 80 so she must be doing something right.,I text Rick to check on him..he wasn’t feeling well yesterday..still not well..he didn’t want to go to the dr..and I don’t blame him , they don’t always help..so I just gave him advice he already knew..drink lots of fluids.,ginger ale helps the tummy..ginger tea..peppermint..lots of water..rest..not that this had anything to do with him..but I feel pleased with myself..for a moment thinking I should go to school for this…get a certificate…piece of paper stating that I went to school and learned..I wasn’t one for school..I live the school of life.,I went to college to be a counselor..dropped out..but I counsel Susan’s way..from my own life experiences..from reading…watching videos.,speaking with knowledgable people..

So today I am going to be my own hero…instead of seeking someone or something..to save me..because at the end of the day..we still have to deal with ourselves…and say I did the best I could today..God willing…I will be blessed with another day!

Middle of the night ramblings..


  
So I woke up fom a dream and felt totally worthless…haven’t felt like that in awhile..and I was sitting here thinking..wow maybe this thought is right..I mean the reality,,I am 46..if I would die tomorrow very few would care..my life doesn’t add that much value to this world..I am overweight…I am not someone’s mother.,well other than my furry kids..I didn’t graduate college..I am not someone’s wife..I don’t even have a job currently..living off of SSI and living at my mother’s home..and oh yeah I have stage 4 metastatic cancer..so I could die at anytime..

SO I get up..go to the bathroom and I hear a Christian song in my head..Ya know when you listen to music and a song gets stuck…well that’s what happened..so I try to find the song on YouTube..and I found this one instead..

http://youtu.be/hmHfo_3EGFA

Rise up by Andra..

“MOUNTAINS..I RISE UP..LIKE THE DAY!!!” Maybe exactly what I needed to hear to shake off the blues..maybe in the world’s eyes..I am a mess..but..I am still alive..so that’s a good thing..so the rest is up to me what I do with that.. “All we need is hope”… Even if I don’t have anyone to cheer me on..and say atta girl..I guess I have to give myself a good old atta girl..you have nothing to prove..you aren’t done yet…not sure what that means.,but my light is still shining bright and hasn’t been snuffed out yet..I don’t have to have fancy degrees..fancy anything ..from the world’s perspective I am pretty much nothing.,but in God’s eye I am something…

So as small as my life has become ..I have a choice…to focus on that voice that says I am useless..or turn it around and say Nah..God’s not done with me yet.,it is 3:58am on a Thursday morning..and what did I decide to do..I decided to give myself a dose of strength and courage..and show one very good gift I have..I can write and express my thoughts.,so if only one person reads this..that’s fine..but this is for me..my own therapy..when I have no one other than God to talk to at 4am..I pour out my thoughts and fears in this blog..because it is called ..A Time to Heal..so I am talking back to those thoughts that said I am worthless .just give up..nah not yet…and not today…

My value is worth more than a paycheck..and in the world’s view ..I guess I have very little to show for it or much value..this may seem silly or not worth much..but just an example..so the other day I was mailing a package to a friend..something he wanted ..so I just bought it and sent it to him..as I was walking up to the front door of the Post Office..l see what looked like a walking wall of boxes.,so I shouted..”do you need help”? As he was trying to figure out how to grab the door or maybe hoping someone would help..I don’t think he thought it out..so I ran up..and said..” Here I will help you.,there is no way you can get the door” ok small and probably insignificant…but that man was grateful..that would have been a distraction to drop about 10 boxes..right in front of the front door..and it made me feel useful..I mean I could have not shown up..my mom tried to slow me down by wanting to go with me…but I just ran out for a few minutes..so my life served a purpose that moment.,to hold the door open for someone that couldn’t do it themselves..and he may have not even realized he needed help..

So right there…I proved those worthless thoughts wrong..I helped someone..at that moment..couldn’t help themselves..and yesterday..I sat home and made jewelry..and spent time with my mom..and petted my dog..and petted my cat.,and smiled..and chatted on Facebook..maybe insignificant..but I am alive.,and still useful..God’s not done with me yet…

As I scan thru the daily personals..like scanning thru the obituaries..


  
Morbid..but kinda true.,and I keep reminding myself.,that when I get to the point that I no longer NEED someone..perhaps that’s when I will meet someone.,or maybe not..either way it’s fine..I look at the personals..and see the very little interest anyone has in me..I gave up wasting my time writing, most don’t respond ..which makes me feel worse..and most just don’t impress me,,and the interesting part is I have been on several dating sites and I see the same guys..who do they expect to meet.,Ms. Universe ..surely isn’t on there,,maybe it’s because I don’t feel at my best,,EHH just tired of the game and feeling like I have to impress anyone.,I kinda just don’t care..the old conversations.,well what do you do for a living,,and having to talk about my Cancer because they have such small brains and wouldn’t understand why a 46 yr old would be living with her mom,,well I lived on my own..for 11 yrs,,I didn’t magicaly meet a great guy..I always had to fight to keep..them and I just don’t care,,and yes from my perspective it seems easier for others ..until they get divorced..or something tragic happens..and they are alone..then..You realize the only one you can depend on is you..

maybe it is how I grew up..seeing my mom marry a man just to leave her mother.,have kids just because.,and look like a family,,than this man passes and my mom shows very little emotion,.she transfers her needs to my brother.,not in a weird way..my brother just took over the companion role of my dad..when it seems I am the only one in this family who even speaks of my dad..and him and I didn’t have the best relationship..so to say I have daddy issues is an understatement..

Who told us that we need another person to complete us..yes we all get lonely..some don’t have many friends and I am reminded of this every time I have a procedure ect..but it is ok..I no longer chase after anyone..pet sitting clients..men..friends..maybe it will make a good coffee table book or a nice blog entry as this one..maybe,,..

What life is really like for a metastatic cancer survivor..



I was reading the title of Joan Lunden’s blog on someone else’s blog..about life after a Cancer diagnosis..Joan..allow me to educate you and the millions who think you just get cured and then you are the face of Cancer..yes your message is important .,but look at the above face..not even 47 yet..living with metastatic breast cancer..now in the liver with no end in sight..and hopefully the end won’t be the end of me..my birthday is in a little over a month..I would like to see 47..I am hopeful..but I am just one person..not famous..not wealthy..probably no one that interesting..I am not married..I don’t have kids..but I have breath in my lungs ..and as long as I am able I will share my life..I don’t have to know famous people or be famous or anything..but I have a name..I have a story..

I am Susan..no not that Susan that was trending last summer..just Susan..from NJ..no one special to most..but I will tell you what I am..I am a mommy to my dog Nelson and cat Mitzi..I am a daughter to Lucille..I am a sister to Steven..I am a friend to those who want it..I am a voice on the other end of the phone..I am an ear and eyes to read someone’s words in the middle of the night on Facebook..I might not be famous as you Joan..and in the world’s eyes I maybe insignificant..but what is wrong with loving yourself..do we have to be self deprecating ..it’s ok to love your self..I have this one life..no more searching for me outside of me..SO life after Cancer Joan..try life everyday..living with cancer..it doesn’t go away..as long as I am breathing it is there..look at this face to the Joan’s of the world..I may not see 50..I will try my hardest..but this face in the photo is one of millions of women living every day with cancer..with endless treatments..I am not looking for applause from you Joan..although you are not free..no Joan..you will have  to get scanned and blood tests for the rest of your life..nice to meet you Joan..I am Susan..happy for one more day..

Your approval is not needed..



This was me in December..

 

This is me right now..but my nature..when I get tired of my hair..I grab the scissors..my hair was all knotted..so I cut off all the remaining strands..I won’t walk around like this..I will wear scarves etc..I am learning to accept my new normal..my hair may not come back..they didn’t give me an end date or number of sessions..of chemo,,it could be as long as I live..however long that is..so I might as well make the best out of it.,I have wigs..I don’t like them..hats and scarves seem easier for me,,especially the scarves that are made into hats and all you have to do is slip it on..once again I am going thru a grieving process..in the beginning of the cancer diagnosis I was grieving.,then meds for cancer sunk me into a depression that I couldn’t pull out of ..meds for depression helped me not want to feel like I am dying while I am alive..

I was dreading chemo..due to the fear of vomiting and losing my hair..well my hair did fall out and I had to cut off the rest..but fortunately I haven’t vomited once..so that’s a blessing..and I am learning to be at peace with me..my appearance now,,yes I will cover my head..I can’t do that..walk around with no hair..just not a good look for me..I only cut the remaining strands just out of convenience so I don’t have to pull it out of the shower drain..I don’t have a man in my life.,so I don’t have anyone to please ️but me..but shouldn’t it always be that way..but it’s not ..I live with my mom and she didn’t want me shaving my head and I didn’t want to do it..she would laugh at me without a hat on..not on purpose.,her emotions are frayed for some reason and get affected by her trips to the bathroom..so I do what I can for myself..

I am on a singles site..but I don’t even care about that…it’s worse than a job interview.,and most don’t even write you back,.not that any of them are GQ models ..and obviously shallow ..unkind people that I don’t want to bother with.,many times I responded to people I had no intention of anything with..but to be nice or something to do or whatever,,but usually the conversation would fizzle out..my energy is important to me..if it takes up too much I move away from it..

Over the past week..I connected with a cousin I didn’t know I had ..who is a history teacher and has an interest in our family tree..so my mother and I have been going thru old photos..and I am looking at photos of me with different hairstyles and stages in my life.,where I can remember back to how people treated me..and I use to try so hard.. so people would like me..biggest ahh ha for me.,they will usually not like me ..no matter how I style my hair..whether I gain 20 lbs or lose 50..it just doesn’t matter.,yes I have never been morbidly obese.,yes I am over 200 lbs..209 to be exact..which is good for me.,currently..I was up to 230 2 summers ago..so I made some progress..and it is still a lot for a 5ft 2 inch person to carry..but I carry it all over..so it balances out..I guess my point is yes I would rather be thin..but honestly most of the times I was thin in my life I was deeply depressed or sick..because honestly I like food..so if I have some meat on my bones that means I am well..thin does not always equal beautiful.,actually back in history in old paintings the women were always painted as curvy and robust..the thin ones were associated with poverty and being malnourished..

I sometimes will get frightened every time I hit a new level of peace with myself..my fear is once all the layers of fear are all pealed away..my life will end..well that’s where my mind goes these days..and although my body isn’t in physical pain other than the once in awhile toothache..and headache and tinge of pain from my liver tube..I feel pretty good and am In  good spirits..

And there’s always dogs..sharing Nelson’s photo just because I can..,………