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Writing therapy..


  
Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that..   I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract yourself..do things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix myself..prayer..food..the right person..to me writing can be lethargic..you are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the bad..it’s such a lonely road..

The first paragraph was written yesterday..it’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal cancer..so I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional support..mom tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..

I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s it..in the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets  to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.

I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my dog..do things that make me happy..realize we can choose our thoughts..now this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..

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The life of the lost soul..


My life started innocent enough..I was born into a middle class family..Born in Princeton NJ at the old Princeton Hospital.. At the tail end of the 60s..Growing up..you never really know that your family is different or you are different until you get around others or start school..I had a loving mother…my father loved me in his own way..And my brother..well I guess he tolerated his little annoying sister..and still does..

  
I remember pretty much being happy until I started kindergarten ..My mom and family would tell me I was pretty..so I didn’t think any different..and I remember being a happy child..I don’t remember asking a lot of questions as a child..I remember being happy with life.,.I always loved animals and still do…I guess I was fairly normal..no one diagnosed me as slow or having a learning problem or brain disorder..

  
My childhood was fairly normal..We went on vacation in Florida for winter break..We had relatives visit for the holidays..We played on our swing set ..went sledding in the winter…swimming in the summer..

I remember my first memory when I was about 4-5 and my mom was pregnant in the hospital and my dad brought me..He left me in the car..I don’t remember him saying anything..now a days you get arrested for that,,..I just remember crying standing outside of the car and this nice couple brought me inside the hospital..My mom said I came in her room.,saying “Hi Mommy”.. I guess kids weren’t allowed in the maternity ward,,..I remember being in the car with my dad,,he went in a store to get candy..he came back with 2 Hershey Bars and a Charms Lollipop..I think..well I fell asleep in the back of the station wagon..With my lollipop in my hair and alone…I think somewhere in there my dad picked up my brother..

  

I remember asking my mom about school..and my mom said I would make friends and I forget what else she said..I was nervous because I was home with mom a lot..I don’t remember having little friends..maybe neighbor friends..but not sure at that age..I remember in school I was very quiet and hung around who ever was nice to me..I didn’t mind school..except when kids were mean to me..I didn’t know to stick  up for myself..and I guess I wasn’t very smart socially ..but in school I did well..although I had trouble remembering what I read..I was placed in regular classes..and did fairly well..

Maybe back then I had aspergers ..but they didn’t know about it then..although school wasn’t easy for me being in public..grade school was easier than high school..I had a few friends in grade school..Back then you were invited to many sleep overs.,actually everyone was..until the kids realized you weren’t cool anymore..or weird or whatever..but I did have my little crew back then..I went to camp in 5th grade..and I remember I was out in a canoe with another girl..and we kept going in circles rowing..maybe a clue I was off.,And not good at anything with direction..or athletic..but are was my love,..
Mrs..Henniger’s art class was awesome..we made candles and pottery..and painted.,it was great.,

But if you asked me things I learned in school I couldn’t tell you..I made it  to high school..which was difficult..I do remember always forgetting my locker combination..but I didn’t know that was something wrong..and math was never my thing..As for friends..I just hung around who was sorta nice to me..and would learn things from them..

I do remember my dad yelling a lot when I was a kid..and I remember being frightened of him..My mom was home so she helped me with my home work..and played with me..I also followed my brother around..Actually we were pretty normal..back then you had 12 channels..? I forget..you had to get up and change the channel..I remember my brother and I fighting over what to watch and him dragging me by my hair and me screaming..”mooooooommmmmm”..

So high school was tough.,I hung around a couple of people..I did ok in school..and art was my  favorite.,and English class..I remember being called names in school and people saying..oh I hate that girl when I would walk thru the halls..I did have a boyfriend ..but he wasn’t with me all the time of course..I remember many times during lunch..standing in a phone booth.,calling my mom..

I baby sat for a nice woman with a child..it was pretty easy..but I couldn’t handle kids who acted up..I could barely manage my life..I worked at Roy Rogers..remember them?  Some of my friends worked there.,but I still got teased.,and had my issues..I hung around those that were nice to me..because I wasn’t good at social things,,but not many were real friends..and I always had a difficult time..I didn’t understand things or people..but could run the register.,give change..but always looked for approval from  others.,I learned guys would like you..but that came with consequences.,and I always thought there was something wrong with me.,so I needed someone to help me live life..I guess my dad was not very social but he was book smarts..we learned when I was a child he was bipolar after an incident..but he always yelled and screamed..

I was never good with money..and would spend my money on clothes and trying to fit in..

I went to community college…and my dad bought me a car.,I didn’t finish school..and I ran off to NY with a guy I was dating..looking back the relationships I did have ..the guys would try.,,and we did ok if it was just us..but I did tend to get jealous..I moved back home and would  do temp work..I had a lot of jobs back then..I had many jobs..once again I had trouble with people..I would get depressed..and was always more comfortable away from people..

Fast forward to 1994.. I applied for a pet sitting job and enjoyed that.,I could care for pets..and get paid..but I still had my struggles..I guess I always felt different.,things were harder for me..

A lot of other things happen through out my life..but some things I will not share here..

I moved back home a few times..and moved out when I was 30 on my own..I was babysitting for a pet sitting client..for 3 yrs..got back into pet sitting..

I lived alone for 11 yrs..and moved in with a boyfriend and his mom’s home..I was there for 4 yrs..and I had my moods..and liked my privacy..I guess I hoped we’d get married…but that didn’t happen.,fast forward to 2015..

I moved back to mom’s home…with my dog and cat..in May 20 15 ..I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012..I became stage 4 in 2013..now here I am ..lonely..literally fighting for my life..and honestly sometimes I just want it over.,..Yes ..I could try another counselor..or another medication for depression..I keep hoping my brain will sort itself out ..currently I am still in treatment ..and trying to keep fighting..

What if your life could change?


  
I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my path..my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..smart enough..thin enough..rich enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog ..living with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would be..to not have to worry about money..be able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in sweats..in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels ..is it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

Middle of the night ramblings..


  
So I woke up fom a dream and felt totally worthless…haven’t felt like that in awhile..and I was sitting here thinking..wow maybe this thought is right..I mean the reality,,I am 46..if I would die tomorrow very few would care..my life doesn’t add that much value to this world..I am overweight…I am not someone’s mother.,well other than my furry kids..I didn’t graduate college..I am not someone’s wife..I don’t even have a job currently..living off of SSI and living at my mother’s home..and oh yeah I have stage 4 metastatic cancer..so I could die at anytime..

SO I get up..go to the bathroom and I hear a Christian song in my head..Ya know when you listen to music and a song gets stuck…well that’s what happened..so I try to find the song on YouTube..and I found this one instead..

http://youtu.be/hmHfo_3EGFA

Rise up by Andra..

“MOUNTAINS..I RISE UP..LIKE THE DAY!!!” Maybe exactly what I needed to hear to shake off the blues..maybe in the world’s eyes..I am a mess..but..I am still alive..so that’s a good thing..so the rest is up to me what I do with that.. “All we need is hope”… Even if I don’t have anyone to cheer me on..and say atta girl..I guess I have to give myself a good old atta girl..you have nothing to prove..you aren’t done yet…not sure what that means.,but my light is still shining bright and hasn’t been snuffed out yet..I don’t have to have fancy degrees..fancy anything ..from the world’s perspective I am pretty much nothing.,but in God’s eye I am something…

So as small as my life has become ..I have a choice…to focus on that voice that says I am useless..or turn it around and say Nah..God’s not done with me yet.,it is 3:58am on a Thursday morning..and what did I decide to do..I decided to give myself a dose of strength and courage..and show one very good gift I have..I can write and express my thoughts.,so if only one person reads this..that’s fine..but this is for me..my own therapy..when I have no one other than God to talk to at 4am..I pour out my thoughts and fears in this blog..because it is called ..A Time to Heal..so I am talking back to those thoughts that said I am worthless .just give up..nah not yet…and not today…

My value is worth more than a paycheck..and in the world’s view ..I guess I have very little to show for it or much value..this may seem silly or not worth much..but just an example..so the other day I was mailing a package to a friend..something he wanted ..so I just bought it and sent it to him..as I was walking up to the front door of the Post Office..l see what looked like a walking wall of boxes.,so I shouted..”do you need help”? As he was trying to figure out how to grab the door or maybe hoping someone would help..I don’t think he thought it out..so I ran up..and said..” Here I will help you.,there is no way you can get the door” ok small and probably insignificant…but that man was grateful..that would have been a distraction to drop about 10 boxes..right in front of the front door..and it made me feel useful..I mean I could have not shown up..my mom tried to slow me down by wanting to go with me…but I just ran out for a few minutes..so my life served a purpose that moment.,to hold the door open for someone that couldn’t do it themselves..and he may have not even realized he needed help..

So right there…I proved those worthless thoughts wrong..I helped someone..at that moment..couldn’t help themselves..and yesterday..I sat home and made jewelry..and spent time with my mom..and petted my dog..and petted my cat.,and smiled..and chatted on Facebook..maybe insignificant..but I am alive.,and still useful..God’s not done with me yet…

What life is really like for a metastatic cancer survivor..



I was reading the title of Joan Lunden’s blog on someone else’s blog..about life after a Cancer diagnosis..Joan..allow me to educate you and the millions who think you just get cured and then you are the face of Cancer..yes your message is important .,but look at the above face..not even 47 yet..living with metastatic breast cancer..now in the liver with no end in sight..and hopefully the end won’t be the end of me..my birthday is in a little over a month..I would like to see 47..I am hopeful..but I am just one person..not famous..not wealthy..probably no one that interesting..I am not married..I don’t have kids..but I have breath in my lungs ..and as long as I am able I will share my life..I don’t have to know famous people or be famous or anything..but I have a name..I have a story..

I am Susan..no not that Susan that was trending last summer..just Susan..from NJ..no one special to most..but I will tell you what I am..I am a mommy to my dog Nelson and cat Mitzi..I am a daughter to Lucille..I am a sister to Steven..I am a friend to those who want it..I am a voice on the other end of the phone..I am an ear and eyes to read someone’s words in the middle of the night on Facebook..I might not be famous as you Joan..and in the world’s eyes I maybe insignificant..but what is wrong with loving yourself..do we have to be self deprecating ..it’s ok to love your self..I have this one life..no more searching for me outside of me..SO life after Cancer Joan..try life everyday..living with cancer..it doesn’t go away..as long as I am breathing it is there..look at this face to the Joan’s of the world..I may not see 50..I will try my hardest..but this face in the photo is one of millions of women living every day with cancer..with endless treatments..I am not looking for applause from you Joan..although you are not free..no Joan..you will have  to get scanned and blood tests for the rest of your life..nice to meet you Joan..I am Susan..happy for one more day..

Your approval is not needed..



This was me in December..

 

This is me right now..but my nature..when I get tired of my hair..I grab the scissors..my hair was all knotted..so I cut off all the remaining strands..I won’t walk around like this..I will wear scarves etc..I am learning to accept my new normal..my hair may not come back..they didn’t give me an end date or number of sessions..of chemo,,it could be as long as I live..however long that is..so I might as well make the best out of it.,I have wigs..I don’t like them..hats and scarves seem easier for me,,especially the scarves that are made into hats and all you have to do is slip it on..once again I am going thru a grieving process..in the beginning of the cancer diagnosis I was grieving.,then meds for cancer sunk me into a depression that I couldn’t pull out of ..meds for depression helped me not want to feel like I am dying while I am alive..

I was dreading chemo..due to the fear of vomiting and losing my hair..well my hair did fall out and I had to cut off the rest..but fortunately I haven’t vomited once..so that’s a blessing..and I am learning to be at peace with me..my appearance now,,yes I will cover my head..I can’t do that..walk around with no hair..just not a good look for me..I only cut the remaining strands just out of convenience so I don’t have to pull it out of the shower drain..I don’t have a man in my life.,so I don’t have anyone to please ️but me..but shouldn’t it always be that way..but it’s not ..I live with my mom and she didn’t want me shaving my head and I didn’t want to do it..she would laugh at me without a hat on..not on purpose.,her emotions are frayed for some reason and get affected by her trips to the bathroom..so I do what I can for myself..

I am on a singles site..but I don’t even care about that…it’s worse than a job interview.,and most don’t even write you back,.not that any of them are GQ models ..and obviously shallow ..unkind people that I don’t want to bother with.,many times I responded to people I had no intention of anything with..but to be nice or something to do or whatever,,but usually the conversation would fizzle out..my energy is important to me..if it takes up too much I move away from it..

Over the past week..I connected with a cousin I didn’t know I had ..who is a history teacher and has an interest in our family tree..so my mother and I have been going thru old photos..and I am looking at photos of me with different hairstyles and stages in my life.,where I can remember back to how people treated me..and I use to try so hard.. so people would like me..biggest ahh ha for me.,they will usually not like me ..no matter how I style my hair..whether I gain 20 lbs or lose 50..it just doesn’t matter.,yes I have never been morbidly obese.,yes I am over 200 lbs..209 to be exact..which is good for me.,currently..I was up to 230 2 summers ago..so I made some progress..and it is still a lot for a 5ft 2 inch person to carry..but I carry it all over..so it balances out..I guess my point is yes I would rather be thin..but honestly most of the times I was thin in my life I was deeply depressed or sick..because honestly I like food..so if I have some meat on my bones that means I am well..thin does not always equal beautiful.,actually back in history in old paintings the women were always painted as curvy and robust..the thin ones were associated with poverty and being malnourished..

I sometimes will get frightened every time I hit a new level of peace with myself..my fear is once all the layers of fear are all pealed away..my life will end..well that’s where my mind goes these days..and although my body isn’t in physical pain other than the once in awhile toothache..and headache and tinge of pain from my liver tube..I feel pretty good and am In  good spirits..

And there’s always dogs..sharing Nelson’s photo just because I can..,………

 


Cats are good for your health..


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I am tired from cat sitting and cleaning my bathroom..So, I am laying in bed with my Mizti Pie..Mitzi is my 12 yr old girl cat..I tell her ..”you are sweet as sugar “..Such a sweet cat..and my other cat Charlie who is 2 constantly harasses her..so I have to play referee to save her.,But I will give her credit..she usually gets a few nips with her mouth or smacks with her paw to defend herself..

Mitzi is laying with me in bed.,and she has the loudest purr..all you have to do is look at her and she starts purring..So I definitely believe the above photo, that cats’ purrs are healing and good for your health..Well except Charlie..He causes stress, but hopefully he will mellow more as he gets older..He is still a cat, so he has that in his favor…So grab your favorite kitty..curl up together and just listen to her purr..I guarantee you will feel more relaxed than you were earlier..

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