It’s 2:30 am and I haven’t been to bed yet..I was filled with anxiety the past 2 days from watching Irma coverage and worrying about Rick and his family..which I’m exhausted from..and trying to help my mom with out raising my voice to her..her hearing isn’t so great these days..I know sometimes I slur my words ..or maybe don’t speak loud enough..and my lovely brother..insert eye roll..is home all week on vacation..yippee..and I’ve been trying to help myself with different side effects..one lovely one is hiccups..who knew..and with trouble breathing and me holding my breath to get rid of it was challenging..and my brain is reminding me of every Dirty look..mean thing or act people said or did…I’m not deeply depressed since I’m on meds..but the situation is tough..honestly some times I am afraid to go to sleep with the fear of not waking up..
And my Facebook and online casino addiction doesn’t help..on Facebook everyone is wrapped up in themselves..and I have so much anger and jealousy in me..when I see people taking vacations..with friends..family..
My mom..from the moment she comes downstairs in the morning until late at night will complain to me about her health..yes most would say take her to a dr..and in an emergency yes..I’m not stupid..but she has side effects from a fricken blood pressure pill she was on..so all day long I have to hear how she feels..mean while I’m trying to not dry heave or throw up..and she is use to me waiting on her in the morning..unless I feel totally crappy she’s on her own..and my brother is dead to the world until late morning if he’s off or goes in late..not a morning person..I am..and I’m not a night owl..if I’m up it’s because I slept earlier,..afraid to sleep ..and stay up until I can’t keep my eyes open..
Lately ..my mind goes to a crappy place,,and I don’t have anyone to talk to.,I gave up on fucking counselors..I would like to say it’s just me ..but I don’t think so..no one cares anymore..even when dealing with cancer..and some days I want to go out a bit..and others I want to avoid everyone..and my brother is like the invisible man..he looks for the dog outside my door..or knows if I’m downstairs and uses the upstairs bathroom..and if I’m downstairs with mom watching tv on the new tv which I rarely do because he’s always there..looking fricken 10 yrs old,..I came in from walking Nelson briefly and he’s sitting on the arm of the love seat near my mom..and I look in the room and stick my tongue out at him while I mutter coward..shithead..retard..sorry don’t mean to offend anyone.,..
Rick calls me when his world is falling apart,,and I use whatever energy I can spare to talk to him..as he says his mom wants to live with her sister in PA..his mom is 85..and was bullied to move to Florida..and Rick moved with her and his kid is there too..why tell me..if I wanted to be an asshole I could say..see..see..told ya so..I suggested they stay in Jersey..get a townhouse or move to PA..the warmer weather doesn’t seem to be enough for her..mean while I’m gasping for breath and coughing my head off..who knows what that is..
Sigh..I have no extra money because I gave up pet sitting cuz my mom bitched about using the car..she freaks if I leave when asshole is at work..this is why I get annoyed..of course he’s not gonna say mom..Susan is with you all the time..why should she live by my stupid work schedule..never happen..but lately I am in bed or watching tv..and too tired to go out when he comes home..so I stay upstairs which he likes..he use to give me this wimpy hi if I was sitting in the kitchen or look at me with a fake grin which I want to smack off..
I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize me..this is one of my ways of therapy..writing..and or calling a psychic once in awhile…it just makes me sad..because I feel like I’m deteriorating..I have some good days..and people still bug the shit out of me..and one day I’m just gonna go off at every person who is rude..looks away..laughs..just tired of fighting for this life all these years..I’m exhausted..I’m scared of dying..and worry that that’s it..and God and the angels were all bullshit..because so often I want to scream and say what the fuck did I do..other than be born..or maybe I’m a typical writer or artist..they are all odd..usually a recluse..
My best friend is a cocker Spaniel..he wasn’t wanted either..I keep telling myself what the Facebook posts say about not worrying about other people but we do..everyone wants to be liked..loved..told that they matter..but I read people too well and had so much crap in my life,.i was with my mom food shopping years ago and this dorky looking guy was speaking to another cashier as mom stands there..he says to the worker..oh I can’t look at her..I know he meant my mom..but lucky for her her sight and hearing are going and she’s in her own world half the time..and when I open my mouth theses days I hear my dad’s voice..people weren’t nice to him either..kids in the neighborhood would make fun of him..so growing up I wished I had different parents and then I’d be different..but as we all got older and I visited my dad at the nursing home 14 yrs ago and found my dad sitting on a red mat with a diaper on..are you fucken kidding me..this man who I was scared of..can’t walk ..talk or eat..and he’s on the floor..and saw me and tried to talk.. to this day I wanted to smack someone..again I heard my dad’s yelling coming out of my mouth..but when he was right to get mad he was right..I went to the nurses station fuming..I forget who ordered them to help him up..may have been me..now my mom is aging and she’s the child and I have to play adult..good thing I take meds because my brain is mush and I’m a mouse..otherwise..
my brother tries..but I hear them sometimes it’s very child like..well him..
Ok I know I wrote about some of this before..but when I don’t feel well I think of death ..afterlife,.and a funny post that a guy on Facebook posted before he died..it said ..when I die I’m haunting all of you..fuck yeah..well the ones that treated me like shit..