Everyone’s got a story..

In my daily practice of reading..learning about others and myself..healing myself..although we are all in motion even if it doesn’t seem that way..I find myself on the Internet a lot , but reading and watching inspirational I watched several about animals in desperate situations and kind souls helped..and to me that’s inspiration to keep plugging along..One of the cats had a brain injury ..and his now owners saw him laying at rescue place and he did his best to hop and wobble over to them.,..this cat could just lay there , but knew if I go to this person I will be cared for..Maybe we all have that inner knowing inside of us..

Then there was the bearded lady story..where this girl had a hormonal problem..and had to wax her face..and she was still teased terribly and depressed..she decided to accept herself as she grew out her lady beard as she calls it..she says she still gets teased..and gets depressed..but she has learned to accept herself..and I guess that’s where my biggest struggle has been…self acceptance..leaning to accept yourself where ever you are in life..for me I have my hair it perfect..of course not..but I always had the love hate thing with my hair..face.,..maybe if I start loving and accepting myself as is..regardless if my body is over heated from different temperatures,.and I’m fighting to look presentable..and not a mess..I’m at the point ,.whatever I need to do to get out the door..which I don’t do a lot of these days..and regardless of what’s going on outside of me..I can control me ..I can’t control other people..and whether they like me..are nice..or whatever,.no one can..

I spent most of my life hanging out with people who were nice to me even sometimes not so nice to not be alone..and be with men that liked me ..and I was ok  with it..and the ones I really liked well it didn’t last long or was a fling..I’m learning being alone isn’t always a bad thing..I live with family but spend a lot of time in my room with the door open.,reading.,on the Internet..writing these days..and if I want to be with family they are there..or just hang with my dog..but right now it’s nice I can may not happen tomorrow..but when the day comes..where I no longer have a choice about getting out of bed when I please..and needing someone to assist me..although even in those times as long as your mind is still functional ..then there’s always hope..


When you feel like you are climbing up hill…

I’ve been having a rough time on Navelbine..and this is my first week..I cancelled my chemo for today..and may have to tell my oncologist I want to stop..this is where it gets frustrating for the Cancer patient..I could try to stick this one out but the stomach cramps are just too much for me..and unfortunately..each medication has side effects..and they keep trying different ones as long as you can tolerate it or as long as it works..I see why patients get frustrated..and want to quit..I want to quit..not so much on life..but treatment..and as my body gets weaker..I wonder how much more I could handle until it shuts down..

Now usually by now most Cancer patients will try the natural route if they can raise funds or have the money..and sometimes they make a miraculous come back and sometimes they don’t..

So it makes me think…where is God? I was watching a documentary about tornados and they asked that question when people lost their lives..and it makes me question..because I doubt a lot..and think well this is just my fate..and every now and then I start swinging again holding onto hope..and I am always looking for advice..some have said..visualize the treatments healing you..kinda tough to do when you are in pain..and if I only ate an alkaline diet..and cut out the sugar..

So the doctor’s office just called..he’s willing to reduce the chemo by 50%..sigh..not looking forward to feeling crappy again..

Writing therapy..

Feeling kinda melancholy..tired of the highs and lows..not even sure if there’s a pill for that..   I try to not complain too much …some may have it better .,some may have it worse..but I don’t care how strong you are the fear is still there..yes I was told to visualize the chemo healing me..why can’t I do this..?Of course the biggest fear is death..because it’s permanent …my life might not be great but at least I have one….I’ve been told distract things you enjoy..and I keep focusing on how to fix right me writing can be are typing out your thoughts to get them out of you..why am I still focused on the negative.,the’s such a lonely road..

The first paragraph was written’s been 2 days since my new chemo..and my Welbutrin may finally be kicking in..I was looking for a story of someone who didn’t have a large support and dealing with terminal I thought ..why don’t I be that person and can help others..I am grateful my 80 yr old mother is still alive and that I have my older brother too..but as for emotional tries..I don’t have alot of friends,..mainly facebook ones..but I do have a couple that offered to drive me to appointments..

I guess the hardest part is there is no end…most Cancer patients know..that when they run out of treatments than that’s the beginning in November 2012.. I didn’t do any treatment.just scans..spoke to many..natural and medical..I haven’t found that many that only did natural and survived..most do medical with some natural..the chemo is getting more difficult..I am currently stage 4 with Mets  to the liver..and have been stage 4 since May 2013..I still speak with one person who didn’t have Breast cancer but feel she healed her Cancer naturally but it was thru food..supplements.,prayer..meditation ..I think to shrink tumors with food it has to be as strong as chemo..and no one likes getting chemo.,.

I have connected with Bernie Siegel..a retired surgeon ..and his advice is to laugh daily..walk my things that make me happy..realize we can choose our this is tough for those deep in depression…it’s hard to just stop the thoughts..but I have been working with my thoughts since my antidepressant seems to be working more..

What if your life could change?

I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..thin enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would not have to worry about able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

Middle of the night ramblings..

So I woke up fom a dream and felt totally worthless…haven’t felt like that in awhile..and I was sitting here maybe this thought is right..I mean the reality,,I am 46..if I would die tomorrow very few would life doesn’t add that much value to this world..I am overweight…I am not someone’s mother.,well other than my furry kids..I didn’t graduate college..I am not someone’s wife..I don’t even have a job off of SSI and living at my mother’s home..and oh yeah I have stage 4 metastatic I could die at anytime..

SO I get up..go to the bathroom and I hear a Christian song in my head..Ya know when you listen to music and a song gets stuck…well that’s what I try to find the song on YouTube..and I found this one instead..

Rise up by Andra..

“MOUNTAINS..I RISE UP..LIKE THE DAY!!!” Maybe exactly what I needed to hear to shake off the blues..maybe in the world’s eyes..I am a mess..but..I am still that’s a good the rest is up to me what I do with that.. “All we need is hope”… Even if I don’t have anyone to cheer me on..and say atta girl..I guess I have to give myself a good old atta have nothing to aren’t done yet…not sure what that means.,but my light is still shining bright and hasn’t been snuffed out yet..I don’t have to have fancy degrees..fancy anything ..from the world’s perspective I am pretty much nothing.,but in God’s eye I am something…

So as small as my life has become ..I have a choice…to focus on that voice that says I am useless..or turn it around and say Nah..God’s not done with me yet.,it is 3:58am on a Thursday morning..and what did I decide to do..I decided to give myself a dose of strength and courage..and show one very good gift I have..I can write and express my thoughts.,so if only one person reads this..that’s fine..but this is for own therapy..when I have no one other than God to talk to at 4am..I pour out my thoughts and fears in this blog..because it is called ..A Time to I am talking back to those thoughts that said I am worthless .just give up..nah not yet…and not today…

My value is worth more than a paycheck..and in the world’s view ..I guess I have very little to show for it or much value..this may seem silly or not worth much..but just an the other day I was mailing a package to a friend..something he wanted I just bought it and sent it to I was walking up to the front door of the Post Office..l see what looked like a walking wall of boxes.,so I shouted..”do you need help”? As he was trying to figure out how to grab the door or maybe hoping someone would help..I don’t think he thought it I ran up..and said..” Here I will help you.,there is no way you can get the door” ok small and probably insignificant…but that man was grateful..that would have been a distraction to drop about 10 boxes..right in front of the front door..and it made me feel useful..I mean I could have not shown mom tried to slow me down by wanting to go with me…but I just ran out for a few my life served a purpose that moment.,to hold the door open for someone that couldn’t do it themselves..and he may have not even realized he needed help..

So right there…I proved those worthless thoughts wrong..I helped that moment..couldn’t help themselves..and yesterday..I sat home and made jewelry..and spent time with my mom..and petted my dog..and petted my cat.,and smiled..and chatted on Facebook..maybe insignificant..but I am alive.,and still useful..God’s not done with me yet…

A Time to Heal..

I thought it was fitting to use the title of my blog for the title of my blog post. The above photo is a picture of my maternal grandma , me and my brother,,I don’t remember her like this..I remember a frail sad woman who could barely breathe and used a breathing machine..but I do remember as a child..maybe about 6 or 7 ..rocking away in her rocking chair..which we still have…

I find myself reminiscing more and more these days..times in my life that I thought I couldn’t bear..and I made it thru..many times clenching on as hard as I can..I have been looking back at old photos.,mainly because of a cousin that had contacted me on Facebook last week..I have looked thru these albums a million times..but this time I looked thru them with my mother as she reminded me who the family members were..since many had passed before my birth..and some I wouldn’t remember because I was so young..I saw photos of family trips we took to Florida..and all the menagerie of animals that have lived in this home..

I look back at teenage my senior prom..where I was so anxious..and now I look at that photo and think if this girl had a clue at how special she was..At that point in my life..I would reach out to many find people who approved of me..I probably should have been on an antidepressant back not everyone is for pills..and most think you are weak for needing them..let me tell you a story..I unfortunately have a family history of depression…My maternal grandmother may have had undiagnosed mom would tell me about her emotional cycles..6 months..happy full of life..and then 6 months depressed..couldn’t cook etc..back then these things weren’t talked about and I think she even got a shock treatment..which they still do today..but try to use talk therapy and medication first..My grandmother on my dad’s side also had issues..I never did meet her..I grew up with a bipolar dad..which was very challenging as a if I go back to the beginning.,that is where everything started..I will not say I wasn’t cared for and parents did the best they could with what they were equipped with emotionally..

I pretty much feel like I had to fight for approval all my life..I actually had a happy little childhood until I started school..I didn’t understand why kids were mean..and adults too..needless to say I wasn’t popular..and usually hung around those that were kind to me..but kids..fluctuate like the weather.,I didn’t have many loyal friends..still don’t..I never had that magical life where everyone loved me..and life was grand..I am sure most kids didn’t.,but some I was afraid to cough or sneeze in my father’s presence because he had this fear of illness,,see to him if you got sick that means you had to miss work..although looking back as an adult.. I brag about my dad father didn’t have an easy childhood..I won’t go into details..but he didn’t go to college because of family illness etc..and he may have had some undiagnosed aspbergers syndrome which of course no one knew about were just the nerd or the odd one..he wrote for the school newspaper  and continued from there..he had gotten jobs as a sports writer..mind you even back then to get these good paying jobs without a college degree was admirable..

One of my father’s accomplishments was getting a job with the Wall Street Journal a writer and editor..Unfortunately his undiagnosed what they called manic depression ..didn’t become diagnosed until he had either left the job..hmm now I can’t remember exactly..and he isn’t around for me to ask..He started a few small newspapers of his own..and I believe what they now call bipolar ..was diagnosed when President Ford was speaking at Peddie school..and he tried to get close to get a picture of him..I guess the secret service thought he was suspicious..and my father had an outburst..I was young then..but I remember my father being handcuffed and put into a police car in our driveway..So somewhere around that time he was diagnosed..and somewhere in between there he had terrible depression..was on disability..I think what got him out of it was a little pill called lithium..he still had the anger issues and yelling and screaming..which unless he was sedated pill could control..he didn’t do talk therapy..he did just enough to get his medication..but I do understand the stress he was mom didn’t work as long as I can remember..just some telephone work from home ..she had her own anxiety as I got older ..I didn’t like inviting people over to my home..and as I got older I would look for men to lean on..if you enter a situation with an empty glass..looking for others to fil it …you will continue to go from person to person..because no one can do this for you..and this isn’t their job..

Well it took me a long time to learn this..I was teased..called names in school..let’s see from ugh who I pretty much lived my life trying so hard to get approval from others..which honestly will never happen..or if it did it was short lived..As I was a teen …I learned you could get attention from looking cute etc,,with clothes.,and I look back and think I wish I made better choices..but what I learned is life is about brother lived a very sheltered life ..still does..yes he has had jobs and also had similar issues , but his was more social anxiety..which I also had ,but didn’t know..we were both more comfortable home …away from the judgement of others..At least I tried to live a normal life …had some friends..mostly frienemies..heard quite a bit from male friends..this one or that one isn’t your friend..the second you walk away ..they are running their mouth about you..yeah one was my friend Val.. who was a friend since we were about 10..she tend to befriend the odd balls..her own sisters and father would make comments about me..I remember her dad saying get that piece of junk out of his driveway..meaning my car…ahh a charmer..and perhaps he was bipolar me it wasn’t just my dad..he just finally got help for it he could work and provide for his family..

So I wasn’t the only one with daddy issues and looking for a man to rescue me..well that didn’t happen or at least not for first long term real relationship ..I was 19..and the guy was from Brooklyn ..oh my parents hated him..for good reason..I was back and forth with him for years..and funny thing …he had a temper too..but he took it further than my dad the marks on my face..I even lived in NY..on and off.,but that was my life..and similar to my maternal grandma..I would go about 6 months happy and 6 months sad..and started seeing my dad’s psychiatrist..I pretty much begged him for meds..cuz similar to my dad.,talk would go in one ear and out the other.,because I always had a horrible memory… especially when depressed…Once the meds kicked in I was better..lively..had a temper..but I am a Taurus , but also not much different from my dad., but in good ways I was similar..I was always good in English class and writing..gee where did I get that from..😉 

So fast forward to my life today..I found blogging is my way of journaling..I use to write things in journals , but that never helped me..I found typing things out on this blog or on Facebook much more healing..and talking..if I could get someone to listen..usually a paid therapist..or a now I am fighting for my life..back on Wellbutrin for a good year now.,but decided to stay on it ..because Cancer is tough for even people with a ton of friends and large support group..something obviously I don’t have.,yes people would pop in and out of my life.,..but very few hung around ..I always think of that line from A Few Good Men..where Jack Nicholson says ..”You can’t handle the truth!” Most can’t..most would either be drowning their sorrows  in a bottle..or doing something  to cope..and I won’t lie..a nice glass of wine from time to time takes the  edge off..but what I have learned is about my own strength..yes I still try to meet Prince Charming..I don’t care if I am the perfect weight..blah blah..most men and women included …do what is easy..they go on personal sites knowing that their life is a mess..and usually just want a playmate to get their mind off their marriage.,separation ..whatever..

Needless to say..I get rather tired of this game..and as of recently …have yet to meet someone new..usually the guy  doesn’t follow through..gets scared..because I am dealing with life and death..even someone I was with for 8 yrs that swore he wouldn’t abandon me ..did..and one of his facebook female friends had the nerve to message me …then text my phone ..because I blocked her and called me a coward and told me to just tell him I had someone new..WHAT? And people had told him I was holding him back..nope I didn’t ..they sold the house and now are in Florida…mainly due to his 2 sisters who live there …nagging ..who by the way never come to see their mother and she is 5 miles away..and he pretends to be happy …

Though I know him and his mom are homesick … He does still love me and I do still love him..8 yrs is a long time to spend with here I am a waiting  approval from insurance get my liver tube removed on Wednesday..I always get nervous and anxious a few days before a I turn to a psychic who is a social worker ..rambling on Facebook..and my daily blog posts..which you have the honor to read..😉also I don’t just write for me..I have been told many times ….to not stop writing..and that people enjoy my writing..and I believe my words..sharing my life..can inspire people..I mean..seriously,,if I haven’t given up yet..maybe you shouldn’t either..❤️❤️


What life is really like for a metastatic cancer survivor..

I was reading the title of Joan Lunden’s blog on someone else’s blog..about life after a Cancer diagnosis..Joan..allow me to educate you and the millions who think you just get cured and then you are the face of Cancer..yes your message is important .,but look at the above face..not even 47 with metastatic breast in the liver with no end in sight..and hopefully the end won’t be the end of birthday is in a little over a month..I would like to see 47..I am hopeful..but I am just one person..not famous..not wealthy..probably no one that interesting..I am not married..I don’t have kids..but I have breath in my lungs ..and as long as I am able I will share my life..I don’t have to know famous people or be famous or anything..but I have a name..I have a story..

I am not that Susan that was trending last summer..just Susan..from one special to most..but I will tell you what I am..I am a mommy to my dog Nelson and cat Mitzi..I am a daughter to Lucille..I am a sister to Steven..I am a friend to those who want it..I am a voice on the other end of the phone..I am an ear and eyes to read someone’s words in the middle of the night on Facebook..I might not be famous as you Joan..and in the world’s eyes I maybe insignificant..but what is wrong with loving we have to be self deprecating’s ok to love your self..I have this one more searching for me outside of me..SO life after Cancer Joan..try life with doesn’t go long as I am breathing it is there..look at this face to the Joan’s of the world..I may not see 50..I will try my hardest..but this face in the photo is one of millions of women living every day with cancer..with endless treatments..I am not looking for applause from you Joan..although you are not will have  to get scanned and blood tests for the rest of your life..nice to meet you Joan..I am Susan..happy for one more day..