What if your life could change?

I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my path..my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..smart enough..thin enough..rich enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog ..living with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would be..to not have to worry about money..be able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in sweats..in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels ..is it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

Could this be you? An adult with autism..

Over the years I have done research on autism..learning disabilities..and aspergers..I have never been diagnosed , but I believe these are some of my issues..which contribute to depression.,and bipolar is in my family and I have read that bipolar sometimes have these issues..and medication helps..I tried all my life to be like everyone else,,and there are times when I am happier and can think more for myself..but when the depression comes in my mind works even slower..it’s like I have to tell my brain what to think..which would also explain..why I always had trouble reading and understanding what I read.,and math…not my thing..but if I look at something I can remember it..like a photo..I have always had trouble when more depressed picking out clothing and looking presentable..and interacting with people..I can usually handle one person at a time..and I usually always looked for reassurance..partly because the name calling of my appearance ..etc..so being home away from people is more comfortable.,I also have issues with walking and swinging my arms..and would explain why I was never good at sports..although some might be.,I was always awkward on a bike..but swimming I could do for some reason..
I found in myself I tend to mimic what I see.like if with someone ..I have also noticed behaviors in my brother since I moved back home..he does try to hide it when out but when he’s home I can see it..my dad didn’t have a speech problem..but would get angry easily..and was more book smarts and loved the focus to be on him..also I found it’s tough to relate to things others go thru..unless for me thru memory or my own experiences..
I have had jobs but the getting along with others and depending on the type of job..if I worked alone like pet sitting I could do..again I guess it depends if I’m medicated but then the anger issues happen..
So this may explain why maybe Cancer and ️living has been such a struggle for me.,because most of my life has been..and it’s hard for anyone to relate..back when I was a kid they didn’t know about the different levels..oh yeah also getting lefts and rights confused,,I never really knew what was wrong with me..and just wished I was different.,or my parents were different..

I have noticed some people look more normal..for me I know I am different…and when around normal people I always felt less then and would get depressed..because I had trouble and was usually the one people didn’t like..
It kinda scares me that Trump is President…I think he just brings out the worst in people..
Also since Cancer tends to make you look at your life more..I find myself doing that more…and it’s been tough because my brother has his issues and can’t relate to me or doesn’t want to only if he has too..he enjoys when I am upstairs and he has my mom all to himself..I hear him talking baby talk to my pets and it makes him happy that they like him..
I was watching this documentary on Netflix about dating with autism..some were more functional..also may explain why I had issues there..and Rick and I got along because I think he was on the spectrum too but higher functioning..
I felt I should share ..not sure if anyone can relate or have children with different issues..I think for adults it’s harder because it wasn’t known back then..and we’ve learned different coping mechanisms..,and of course everyone is different..

Feeling how I feel..

I was watching Oprah this morning and the guest was talking about sitting in the pain.so I am just going to write out my feelings..watching the guest she seemed like she had it all together.,pretty..smart..what could be her problem..she had bulimia..wasn’t happy in her life.,I was never the popular girl..well liked nothing..I some how got thru school and graduated high school..maybe I should have sought out counseling then..I didn’t..maybe I didn’t know how..I still don’t know how…maybe it’s just the depression..I am so up and down.in the morning I have my ups and downs…and at night I feel better…I wonder if that’s what my dad went thru…although he was able to work full time jobs and even do courier work  before he died ..he died of a genetic brain disorder..and I have spent most of my life just wanting to hide and survive..sometimes I just want it over…and other times I want to fight..,no one feels sorry for me or really cares other than my mother..I couldn’t do that to her..maybe I should go away to a psychiatric facility..I would hate it..probably just drug me up..I don’t know if this is a bipolar mind..but have gone thru periods where I did like myself more but when I got around others not so much..I wish I had a family member to help me to help myself..I know I have to do the work..I mean my needs are met..I have a roof..food to eat..l barely go out..

I have moments  where I think oh I can do this or that and then the next day nah..wow having my hair did that much for me..and I guess the chemical imbalance ..last year around this time I was getting ready for a liver procedure..and was in a better frame of mind…now I just feel lost ..I feel even my dr doesn’t want to deal with me..he does what he has to..was a bit tough on me when I mentioned Breast pain and told me to get on the table..something he hasn’t done in awhile ..he doesn’t even examine me anymore…

I feel like a child..I feel like I have the mentality of a child and always looking for help..then I forget what was told to me and always need more..I wish I could be like other women who have Cancer and have children to raise..and just do what they have to do..and I just don’t know what to do…I just want to have a normal brain..I don’t know how that feels..I use to look for my boyfriend to comfort me..he had his mom and daughter to tend to and couldn’t worry about his needy girlfriend who had trouble functioning in the world..and now that he is 1300 miles away…Susan who….but my life story..I am sure most think I am  whiny and weak..probably…if I could do everything just by phone or text and not leave the house would be great..I wish the answer would come to me what’s wrong with me..I don’t tell people this..but I get my lefts and rights confused ..always had…and not too long ago a woman I was pet sitting for asked me if I was ever diagnosed with a learning disability..no I wasn’t..I guess no one ever took that much interest in me..most didn’t want to be bothered..and now I am a adult and still have issues…and no one to rescue me..

Not that I didn’t try to help others during moments of clarity..and helped people with money..boyfriends at least..and then when they started doing better I would be sad…in the way that I knew I couldn’t do better for myself..in the world..I’m just tired..maybe I will feel different in a few hours..what do you do when you feel like you have nothing to look forward to..not much makes you happy..I know people are busy living their lives..and I have spent most of my life hiding or trying to fix myself..as I type I am saying a quiet prayer..what do I do now,..? Go check on mom..ok then..

Just typing out my thoughts..

I guess this is true..I feel like this quite often..it’s frustrating and sometimes I want to tear out what little hair I have..and sometimes I feel like life is too hard why bother ..yes others have it tougher than me ..but my life hasn’t been easy..I think I may have had an undiagnosed learning disability or something..I have always been a slower learner..and I still have to read things a few times to understand the meaning ..and now on chemo and with my moods it just makes it tougher…people don’t always have patience for me…and my journey thru Cancer hasn’t been easy and still isn’t..even with Cancer I never had a large support system..people just don’t care..it’s just how it is..all I have is my brother and mom..yes he helps when necessary ..or financially..quite a bit ..which I am thankful for..although my mom will say I don’t appreciate..l appreciate everything..I am just tired..tired of not knowing what mood I am going to be in…tired of everything being so hard..yes I know just be positive and thankful I try.,but it also helps me to type out my feelings..because sometimes I don’t want to talk about it…

My latest battle has once again been my own mind ..which sometimes is worse than the Cancer..I am not in pain..but the last couple weeks I have been so up and down emotionally and this may not be my fault..I found out a few weeks ago about an added steroid that I didn’t know I was getting with my chemo..when the newer nurse told me this .l asked why I was getting it..she said it helps the chemo go in better..a few days before my chemo day I was just feeling so down..all these negative little movies were playing in my head..then after my chemo I was up most of the night for the next few nights..which has been happening..for a few months now…but the moods were so up and down..I wasn’t sure what steroid I was on..but I noticed this wasn’t my normal depression which I am on pills for..other medication triggered depression in me..this time I can be real weepy..I do sleep some ..more than when I am depressed..

So I start reading again about different steroids and spoke with Rick and read a couple people had the ups and downs from steroids and it doesn’t just go away..and the longer you are given it ..it stays in your system..Rick said it made him depressed..my God I am surprised more people don’t kill themselves on these things..especially when it’s an injection you weren’t aware you were getting…sometimes I feel like I have no voice and everyone just wants you to shut up and just take the treatments and that I should be grateful..well my oncologist did say it was put in my chart to omit it..but I will have to tell the ️nurses..and now I don’t know for sure if that’s it…bipolar is in my family..but some medications can trigger it..so maybe I have undiagnosed bipolar..which doesn’t help..since my insurance doesn’t cover psychiatrist..and I would have to go on a waiting list to go to a counseling center where sometimes they have psychiatrist on staff..

Go to support groups people say..yeah I tried that..most were retired..had loving husbands..travelled..just living their lives..some were younger..with kids..I didn’t fit anywhere..at the time I lived with my boyfriend and his mom and his daughter..and this was a stage 4 group I am in..and then when I started radiation.l just got worse..the house I was living in was being sold..my boyfriend and his mom were moving to Florida to be near his sisters..yes I had my mom and brother to go to..and my brother helped with a truck and moving…but emotionally nah…and yes I am grateful I got the help..shit moving is tough when you are well..throw in stage 4 cancer..moving back in with mom after 15 yrs ..and I have always leaned on her for some support over the years but she’s 80..she is very frail and I have to watch what I say..

Then there’s the online support groups such as facebook..but there’s no one size fits all..when you ask questions..sometimes you get answers..sometimes you don’t..and again every so often you get well go to a support group..and I have made my own little groups on facebook and really did try to help others..I even tried making my own support group in person a couple of years ago..no one came to the couple of meetings..well 2 chiropractors came ..and my doctor even came once.,which was so cool..but no one else..The pastor was nice at first..but when I ran into him walking dogs..he made some excuse to not talk to me..but it was pretty cold out..rejected by a Pastor too,my life story..

Before I moved I went to 2 social workers,..one had no experience with Cancer..gave me homework..and I told my story..I felt ignored and worse,,after she cleaned her glasses .,read her computer..and the Breast cancer social worker came across kinda jaded..and she was nicer to the wealthy women coming in..I did notice that…if you were poor.,or didn’t make much money..or didn’t have the right insurance..you were pushed a side,..I did pet sitting for over 20 yrs..just recently stopped for awhile..due to be being so exhausted..my mind going insane..and arguing with my mother because she lets me use her car and that it will start needing repairs..so I feel like I can’t win…and I try..I keep trying..but it’s frustrating..yes at least I am not homeless..and yes I am grateful..I would have to get rid of my animals..

Right at this moment..I’m not really depressed..not really manic..just here..maybe the steroid is wearing off..I had not much of an appetite for a couple of weeks..yes I know some women still work..have families..yes I know there are always someone that has it much harder than me..and just be quiet..or be thankful..or journal ..or go to a support group..well this is my journal..and I pray all the time..it is a new day..and I guess it could always be worse..

I know there are people dying and taking their last breath..

and that could be me sooner than later…but why does it bother me so much if someone doesn’t make eye contact with me.,when ever it happens it just pisses me off..l can be on the top of the world feeling great..and then someone does this..yes it shouldn’t matter and it’s exhausting to try to please so many people or look for approval,..I always think ..oh I will out grow this..or it won’t bother me as I get older it never goes away..

And especially if I am with another person in a store…in a restaurant..when the wait person only has a conversation with the other person and not you..sometimes I snap especially now..and say I have Cancer or something.,and one day I will say please look at me…it bothers me..and I need your approval it shouldn’t matter..but it does..to some..when my mom is feeling self conscious it bothers her if the cashier doesn’t acknowledge her and she’s not the one paying..and I know this bothers other people..especially if I am at a restaurant with someone and they don’t look at me ..I know people tend to look at those they feel more comfortable looking at…I have had it happen in reverse on occasion that someone will just focus on me and not the other person,,but not that often..I know this maybe silly..but is it?

We all want to be acknowledged right? I am living with Cancer..feeling the most unattractive I’ve ever felt..and it shouldn’t matter..and many times it’s how the other person feels about themselves..

So today I was feeling not as negative and depressed..I decide to go to cvs.and the cashier with the foreign accent can’t make eye contact with me..but as we are leaving looks up at my mom standing behind me.,yes it’s no big deal to her.,she was forced to take me …I have had a cashier tell me she was closed..that was the rudest..and she looked at me dead in the face while she took the next customer..my soul wants to scream..and this is America where people make eye contact yes..in some cultures they don’t and yes it shouldn’t matter…but no one likes to be treated badly..

Should any of this matter..? When I am laying in a hospital bed gasping for my last breath..like Oprah said..we all want to know that we matter.,I want to know that my life matters…I have spent most of my life hiding..hanging out with people I really didn’t like just to not be alone.,dating people I didn’t really like because they liked me..when do I matter..when does my opinion matter..yes if you are being arrested or breaking the law..you have the right to remain silent..I don’t know if any of this makes sense..I just know that in the 47 yrs of my life..I have watched human behavior..yes we don’t know what the other person is going thru..and the infusion room ️nurses who are giving me chemo may have a sick family member at home..and they make the effort to talk to me..and say..How Ya doing Sue? They don’t have to and some don’t.,I had one technician grab my finger..not introduce herself..not even tell me she was doing it..ok maybe poor people skills maybe because I never felt comfortable with her..irregardless..I am not a pin cushion..so I said you’re new here right? And she smirks and says her name ..as she trips over my bag..on the floor in her way..as I giggle to myself,,but who knows what’s right or wrong..I guess in a perfect world we would all get along and be nice to each other…and in the end none of it mattered..

So I feel I need to write more..

I paid for a reading yesterday..and it was filled with hope and honestly fairytale stuff..stuff that I don’t know if can happen..yes it cheered me up and I was buzzing with nice energy for a few hours..part of the reading spoke about me keeping busy and writing…I was told to write on paper and I started to..but that doesn’t seem to help..and blogging or writing on facebook seems to help more..yes on paper it’s more private..I guess I don’t care who reads this..I feel it’s ok to blog and anyway to help myself is ok..yes I can go buy a journal and probably fill it with pages and pages..but this works for me now..

I have been feeling stuck for awhile now..probably why I pay for readings,,hoping someone who was intuned and had gifts could guide in some direction..hopefully out of sorrow and a negative state..and it did help.,she mentioned about lovely things for the future and writing.,and publishing books…I asked about meeting someone for a relationship.,she mentioned in 3 yrs..and then back to the ex.,and owning two homes..yes all wonderful fabulous stuff..and I hope I live to do all this..and I try to be positive.,and I pray a lot..but I am prone to depression..and well my life is quite depressing..yes maybe there are more things I can do..so this morning I forced myself to walk nelson after seeing a frog photo on my phone from Rick..and a response to me taking a trip to Sedona..that upset me..but wasn’t meant in a negative way.,and this person has helped me greatly in the past…brought me to her home when I didn’t have a car…took me out to eat twice..gave me a book on healing Cancer ..mind ..body and soul..gave me a lovely handmade apron..sent me hand knitted hats last winter..bought some of my jewelry..and others have helped in little ways..and I am grateful for all of it..

At this moment I am trying to figure out if I need to up my Welbutrin..I sorta don’t want to because of added side effects..and the chemo and steroid has side effects..I find myself crying and feeling blue quite often and not being able to make many decisions..I was quite busy the last several weeks with pet sitting ..and I am just relaxing now..I realize that the pet sitting is too much for me..and I don’t have the money to make repairs on the car the more it is used..and these are people’s homes and pets.,I just am not in the right frame of mind if something goes wrong..I can barely take care of myself.,although it gets me out of the house and I use to bring my mom with me..it has become tougher looking after her and the animals..worrying about her falling..and she did at the one house..and she stopped going..which is for the best..right now I feel like I don’t contribute enough.,my brother works full time..and it’s just a weird place to be..so I do what I can..❤️❤️❤️

Letting my thoughts out..

A facebook friend said it was good to be introspective and let the thoughts out..

I am grateful for each day I am alive and for what little I do have..I could be homeless in this heat..then I would surely die..I could be blind..deaf..not able to walk..those things I can do…and I wish I could just not think about Cancer ..but it’s there every day lurking..I can’t feel the tumor..and other than the pain in my arm from radiation..I’m not really in a lot of pain..but the heat keeps me house bound..not having extra money ..and my mom not wanting to be alone..plus it’s too hot for her also..

I know many would say ..well you have to be positive..and if it was them ..let’s see how easy that is..

Last night I had a bunch of dreams..I usually don’t remember them..one was with my ex…I texted him about the dream and he was just going to bed..didn’t seem to care either way..not surprising..I had another dream with people I didn’t know but saw my good friend’s face who passed away..it was a large framed photo of her..perhaps a visit..she was smiling real big and looked similar to her high school photo..I miss her..one of the few friends I had..Taken way too early..

I admit to calling a psychic once in awhile..she claims I am not going anywhere anytime soon..which Is Comforting..but how does she know..I am not NED..my Cancer is still active..it’s such a lonely road but my life has always been..I feel like I am fighting to be here..and unfortunately if I was to die tomorrow maybe one person would miss me and that would be my mom..I do have some pet sitting which is good and bad..like in the past..I didn’t like taking too many jobs and not way into the future..I mean if I died..who would contact them to let them know their pets would be alone..I try to not think of that and just take the little jobs that come and stay in the present..

I wish I still had someone in my life..yes I have my mom and brother..my brother could careless and the feeling is mutual..he’s just not someone you can get close to..but I do have my mom..but she’s 80.. I just try to focus on now..a facebook friend had kittens she was giving away..I would like to get another kitten but since I live at home I don’t want my mom tripping over it..and I have Cancer and she’s 80..I want to believe I will live another 20 yrs..who knows..it’s so easy to let my mind go ..I spend a lot of time alone..I go to my room quite a bit..mainly because it’s so hot..I turn on my fan and lay in bed on my iPad or I craft..

A friend of mine calls every now and then..I haven’t wanted to talk..I have nothing to say..I call her back and she doesn’t call me back..maybe a taste of my own medicine..who knows.,but hey I only have Cancer no big deal..a friend should be concerned but that’s not my life..and has never been my story.,I don’t know why..why I was born to a bipolar angry man..and why everything in my life was a challenge..and if you aren’t married or have someone there’s something wrong with you..I don’t know how to think anymore..I was never a planner..and kinda bad about finishing what I start..

Again I am just writing my thoughts out.,most are wrapped up in their lives..and I tend to get introspective when ever another person I talked to on facebook dies of cancer..unfortunately when I do die.,no one will go on and say I died..unless they read the obituaries..I guess it would just make it easier if I had someone by my side..I can’t talk to my mom.,she doesn’t know what to say..my brother.,yeah right? My one friend ..nah I wouldn’t bother.,see a counselor ..go to support group..nah no one understands..most have families..I was thinking of that night in the hospital..no one came to see me..but my ex who was strung out on pain killers was harassing me on the phone..and for whatever reason I am reflecting on those feelings..and those that say money isn’t everything..I guess it’s a little true..but let’s face it..if Trump was poor would anyone listen to him..? Unfortunately you need money to survive..yes I get ssi..probably half then what most on disability get..I thought about going swimming but I can’t I don’t have $20..

I try to be positive and grateful..but lately I don’t have much to look forward to..I guess it’s true what Oprah said..everyone wants to be validated..shown that their life matters..I have  lived a lot of my life sad and depressed.,always searching for people to validate me..and they don’t,..I had to always chase after people..but who was chasing after me..no one..sometimes I get upset and say why me..why couldn’t I have been born into a loving big family..that is supportive and there for you..no I have a very small family.,yes cousins I’ve never met..but they don’t know me..

Maybe I will go take the car..before it gets too hot and before my brother goes to work..