The life of the lost soul..


My life started innocent enough..I was born into a middle class family..Born in Princeton NJ at the old Princeton Hospital.. At the tail end of the 60s..Growing up..you never really know that your family is different or you are different until you get around others or start school..I had a loving mother…my father loved me in his own way..And my brother..well I guess he tolerated his little annoying sister..and still does..

  
I remember pretty much being happy until I started kindergarten ..My mom and family would tell me I was pretty..so I didn’t think any different..and I remember being a happy child..I don’t remember asking a lot of questions as a child..I remember being happy with life.,.I always loved animals and still do…I guess I was fairly normal..no one diagnosed me as slow or having a learning problem or brain disorder..

  
My childhood was fairly normal..We went on vacation in Florida for winter break..We had relatives visit for the holidays..We played on our swing set ..went sledding in the winter…swimming in the summer..

I remember my first memory when I was about 4-5 and my mom was pregnant in the hospital and my dad brought me..He left me in the car..I don’t remember him saying anything..now a days you get arrested for that,,..I just remember crying standing outside of the car and this nice couple brought me inside the hospital..My mom said I came in her room.,saying “Hi Mommy”.. I guess kids weren’t allowed in the maternity ward,,..I remember being in the car with my dad,,he went in a store to get candy..he came back with 2 Hershey Bars and a Charms Lollipop..I think..well I fell asleep in the back of the station wagon..With my lollipop in my hair and alone…I think somewhere in there my dad picked up my brother..

  

I remember asking my mom about school..and my mom said I would make friends and I forget what else she said..I was nervous because I was home with mom a lot..I don’t remember having little friends..maybe neighbor friends..but not sure at that age..I remember in school I was very quiet and hung around who ever was nice to me..I didn’t mind school..except when kids were mean to me..I didn’t know to stick  up for myself..and I guess I wasn’t very smart socially ..but in school I did well..although I had trouble remembering what I read..I was placed in regular classes..and did fairly well..

Maybe back then I had aspergers ..but they didn’t know about it then..although school wasn’t easy for me being in public..grade school was easier than high school..I had a few friends in grade school..Back then you were invited to many sleep overs.,actually everyone was..until the kids realized you weren’t cool anymore..or weird or whatever..but I did have my little crew back then..I went to camp in 5th grade..and I remember I was out in a canoe with another girl..and we kept going in circles rowing..maybe a clue I was off.,And not good at anything with direction..or athletic..but are was my love,..
Mrs..Henniger’s art class was awesome..we made candles and pottery..and painted.,it was great.,

But if you asked me things I learned in school I couldn’t tell you..I made it  to high school..which was difficult..I do remember always forgetting my locker combination..but I didn’t know that was something wrong..and math was never my thing..As for friends..I just hung around who was sorta nice to me..and would learn things from them..

I do remember my dad yelling a lot when I was a kid..and I remember being frightened of him..My mom was home so she helped me with my home work..and played with me..I also followed my brother around..Actually we were pretty normal..back then you had 12 channels..? I forget..you had to get up and change the channel..I remember my brother and I fighting over what to watch and him dragging me by my hair and me screaming..”mooooooommmmmm”..

So high school was tough.,I hung around a couple of people..I did ok in school..and art was my  favorite.,and English class..I remember being called names in school and people saying..oh I hate that girl when I would walk thru the halls..I did have a boyfriend ..but he wasn’t with me all the time of course..I remember many times during lunch..standing in a phone booth.,calling my mom..

I baby sat for a nice woman with a child..it was pretty easy..but I couldn’t handle kids who acted up..I could barely manage my life..I worked at Roy Rogers..remember them?  Some of my friends worked there.,but I still got teased.,and had my issues..I hung around those that were nice to me..because I wasn’t good at social things,,but not many were real friends..and I always had a difficult time..I didn’t understand things or people..but could run the register.,give change..but always looked for approval from  others.,I learned guys would like you..but that came with consequences.,and I always thought there was something wrong with me.,so I needed someone to help me live life..I guess my dad was not very social but he was book smarts..we learned when I was a child he was bipolar after an incident..but he always yelled and screamed..

I was never good with money..and would spend my money on clothes and trying to fit in..

I went to community college…and my dad bought me a car.,I didn’t finish school..and I ran off to NY with a guy I was dating..looking back the relationships I did have ..the guys would try.,,and we did ok if it was just us..but I did tend to get jealous..I moved back home and would  do temp work..I had a lot of jobs back then..I had many jobs..once again I had trouble with people..I would get depressed..and was always more comfortable away from people..

Fast forward to 1994.. I applied for a pet sitting job and enjoyed that.,I could care for pets..and get paid..but I still had my struggles..I guess I always felt different.,things were harder for me..

A lot of other things happen through out my life..but some things I will not share here..

I moved back home a few times..and moved out when I was 30 on my own..I was babysitting for a pet sitting client..for 3 yrs..got back into pet sitting..

I lived alone for 11 yrs..and moved in with a boyfriend and his mom’s home..I was there for 4 yrs..and I had my moods..and liked my privacy..I guess I hoped we’d get married…but that didn’t happen.,fast forward to 2015..

I moved back to mom’s home…with my dog and cat..in May 20 15 ..I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012..I became stage 4 in 2013..now here I am ..lonely..literally fighting for my life..and honestly sometimes I just want it over.,..Yes ..I could try another counselor..or another medication for depression..I keep hoping my brain will sort itself out ..currently I am still in treatment ..and trying to keep fighting..

Advertisements

What if your life could change?


  
I’ve been really contemplating and praying a lot..while still taking my anti depressant..partly waiting for my brain to be more stable..and to want to live again..will the world around me change? ..probably not.. But I have been on a journey,,all of my life.,always looking on the outside of me..for someone to love me.,people to like me.,accept me.,tell me I am good enough,smart enough..blah blah..I guess I have been a bit lazy too..but I won’t say I haven’t worked for things.,yes I have gotten help for bills when desperate..and other times I busted my butt trying to pay bills.,keep my car running.,Caring for my animals and myself..walking dogs and caring for pets.,and crafting,,and doing reiki and trying to find my path..my purpose..

Is the world just the world..and you have to be pretty enough..smart enough..thin enough..rich enough..does it matter? If you weren’t accepted in the world can you be able to find your place or continue hiding.,? What if it was possible..? What if even someone like me? Who was made fun of all my life..can the under dog ..living with stage 4 Cancer ..turn things around..? I mean honestly yes I wish I had a magic wand.,and money was no issue..I mean I do have a roof over my head and use of a car,,a small amount of cash each month..and food stamps.,but of course the fantasy would be..to not have to worry about money..be able to travel ..enjoy life..or maybe I could change my life step by step right where I am..sitting on my bed in sweats..in my childhood bedroom..

What if God really does exist and he can change things.,is it possible,,? I mean I know God won’t lift me out of bed and dress me etc..and I can do that for myself.,but if I prayed and asked God and the Angels ..is it possible for me to have a life..? A fulfilling life..? And not just about being loved and having money..but about being a part of life..does it start with thanking God for my bed..thank you God for my heart still beating..thank you for my vision..thank you that I am warm..does it matter that I have been cooped up for 5 days..and don’t have anyone asking me to a party or caring what I do..? Or even if anyone reads this..?is it possible that I can still have a life…right where I am..? Is it possible that I can find peace in this world..find someone to care for me…maybe I have a purpose ..maybe it’s not over yet..

Could this be you? An adult with autism..


Over the years I have done research on autism..learning disabilities..and aspergers..I have never been diagnosed , but I believe these are some of my issues..which contribute to depression.,and bipolar is in my family and I have read that bipolar sometimes have these issues..and medication helps..I tried all my life to be like everyone else,,and there are times when I am happier and can think more for myself..but when the depression comes in my mind works even slower..it’s like I have to tell my brain what to think..which would also explain..why I always had trouble reading and understanding what I read.,and math…not my thing..but if I look at something I can remember it..like a photo..I have always had trouble when more depressed picking out clothing and looking presentable..and interacting with people..I can usually handle one person at a time..and I usually always looked for reassurance..partly because the name calling of my appearance ..etc..so being home away from people is more comfortable.,I also have issues with walking and swinging my arms..and would explain why I was never good at sports..although some might be.,I was always awkward on a bike..but swimming I could do for some reason..
I found in myself I tend to mimic what I see.like if with someone ..I have also noticed behaviors in my brother since I moved back home..he does try to hide it when out but when he’s home I can see it..my dad didn’t have a speech problem..but would get angry easily..and was more book smarts and loved the focus to be on him..also I found it’s tough to relate to things others go thru..unless for me thru memory or my own experiences..
I have had jobs but the getting along with others and depending on the type of job..if I worked alone like pet sitting I could do..again I guess it depends if I’m medicated but then the anger issues happen..
So this may explain why maybe Cancer and ️living has been such a struggle for me.,because most of my life has been..and it’s hard for anyone to relate..back when I was a kid they didn’t know about the different levels..oh yeah also getting lefts and rights confused,,I never really knew what was wrong with me..and just wished I was different.,or my parents were different..

I have noticed some people look more normal..for me I know I am different…and when around normal people I always felt less then and would get depressed..because I had trouble and was usually the one people didn’t like..
It kinda scares me that Trump is President…I think he just brings out the worst in people..
Also since Cancer tends to make you look at your life more..I find myself doing that more…and it’s been tough because my brother has his issues and can’t relate to me or doesn’t want to only if he has too..he enjoys when I am upstairs and he has my mom all to himself..I hear him talking baby talk to my pets and it makes him happy that they like him..
I was watching this documentary on Netflix about dating with autism..some were more functional..also may explain why I had issues there..and Rick and I got along because I think he was on the spectrum too but higher functioning..
I felt I should share ..not sure if anyone can relate or have children with different issues..I think for adults it’s harder because it wasn’t known back then..and we’ve learned different coping mechanisms..,and of course everyone is different..

Feeling how I feel..


I was watching Oprah this morning and the guest was talking about sitting in the pain.so I am just going to write out my feelings..watching the guest she seemed like she had it all together.,pretty..smart..what could be her problem..she had bulimia..wasn’t happy in her life.,I was never the popular girl..well liked nothing..I some how got thru school and graduated high school..maybe I should have sought out counseling then..I didn’t..maybe I didn’t know how..I still don’t know how…maybe it’s just the depression..I am so up and down.in the morning I have my ups and downs…and at night I feel better…I wonder if that’s what my dad went thru…although he was able to work full time jobs and even do courier work  before he died ..he died of a genetic brain disorder..and I have spent most of my life just wanting to hide and survive..sometimes I just want it over…and other times I want to fight..,no one feels sorry for me or really cares other than my mother..I couldn’t do that to her..maybe I should go away to a psychiatric facility..I would hate it..probably just drug me up..I don’t know if this is a bipolar mind..but have gone thru periods where I did like myself more but when I got around others not so much..I wish I had a family member to help me to help myself..I know I have to do the work..I mean my needs are met..I have a roof..food to eat..l barely go out..

I have moments  where I think oh I can do this or that and then the next day nah..wow having my hair did that much for me..and I guess the chemical imbalance ..last year around this time I was getting ready for a liver procedure..and was in a better frame of mind…now I just feel lost ..I feel even my dr doesn’t want to deal with me..he does what he has to..was a bit tough on me when I mentioned Breast pain and told me to get on the table..something he hasn’t done in awhile ..he doesn’t even examine me anymore…

I feel like a child..I feel like I have the mentality of a child and always looking for help..then I forget what was told to me and always need more..I wish I could be like other women who have Cancer and have children to raise..and just do what they have to do..and I just don’t know what to do…I just want to have a normal brain..I don’t know how that feels..I use to look for my boyfriend to comfort me..he had his mom and daughter to tend to and couldn’t worry about his needy girlfriend who had trouble functioning in the world..and now that he is 1300 miles away…Susan who….but my life story..I am sure most think I am  whiny and weak..probably…if I could do everything just by phone or text and not leave the house would be great..I wish the answer would come to me what’s wrong with me..I don’t tell people this..but I get my lefts and rights confused ..always had…and not too long ago a woman I was pet sitting for asked me if I was ever diagnosed with a learning disability..no I wasn’t..I guess no one ever took that much interest in me..most didn’t want to be bothered..and now I am a adult and still have issues…and no one to rescue me..

Not that I didn’t try to help others during moments of clarity..and helped people with money..boyfriends at least..and then when they started doing better I would be sad…in the way that I knew I couldn’t do better for myself..in the world..I’m just tired..maybe I will feel different in a few hours..what do you do when you feel like you have nothing to look forward to..not much makes you happy..I know people are busy living their lives..and I have spent most of my life hiding or trying to fix myself..as I type I am saying a quiet prayer..what do I do now,..? Go check on mom..ok then..

Just typing out my thoughts..


  
I guess this is true..I feel like this quite often..it’s frustrating and sometimes I want to tear out what little hair I have..and sometimes I feel like life is too hard why bother ..yes others have it tougher than me ..but my life hasn’t been easy..I think I may have had an undiagnosed learning disability or something..I have always been a slower learner..and I still have to read things a few times to understand the meaning ..and now on chemo and with my moods it just makes it tougher…people don’t always have patience for me…and my journey thru Cancer hasn’t been easy and still isn’t..even with Cancer I never had a large support system..people just don’t care..it’s just how it is..all I have is my brother and mom..yes he helps when necessary ..or financially..quite a bit ..which I am thankful for..although my mom will say I don’t appreciate..l appreciate everything..I am just tired..tired of not knowing what mood I am going to be in…tired of everything being so hard..yes I know just be positive and thankful I try.,but it also helps me to type out my feelings..because sometimes I don’t want to talk about it…

My latest battle has once again been my own mind ..which sometimes is worse than the Cancer..I am not in pain..but the last couple weeks I have been so up and down emotionally and this may not be my fault..I found out a few weeks ago about an added steroid that I didn’t know I was getting with my chemo..when the newer nurse told me this .l asked why I was getting it..she said it helps the chemo go in better..a few days before my chemo day I was just feeling so down..all these negative little movies were playing in my head..then after my chemo I was up most of the night for the next few nights..which has been happening..for a few months now…but the moods were so up and down..I wasn’t sure what steroid I was on..but I noticed this wasn’t my normal depression which I am on pills for..other medication triggered depression in me..this time I can be real weepy..I do sleep some ..more than when I am depressed..

So I start reading again about different steroids and spoke with Rick and read a couple people had the ups and downs from steroids and it doesn’t just go away..and the longer you are given it ..it stays in your system..Rick said it made him depressed..my God I am surprised more people don’t kill themselves on these things..especially when it’s an injection you weren’t aware you were getting…sometimes I feel like I have no voice and everyone just wants you to shut up and just take the treatments and that I should be grateful..well my oncologist did say it was put in my chart to omit it..but I will have to tell the ️nurses..and now I don’t know for sure if that’s it…bipolar is in my family..but some medications can trigger it..so maybe I have undiagnosed bipolar..which doesn’t help..since my insurance doesn’t cover psychiatrist..and I would have to go on a waiting list to go to a counseling center where sometimes they have psychiatrist on staff..

Go to support groups people say..yeah I tried that..most were retired..had loving husbands..travelled..just living their lives..some were younger..with kids..I didn’t fit anywhere..at the time I lived with my boyfriend and his mom and his daughter..and this was a stage 4 group I am in..and then when I started radiation.l just got worse..the house I was living in was being sold..my boyfriend and his mom were moving to Florida to be near his sisters..yes I had my mom and brother to go to..and my brother helped with a truck and moving…but emotionally nah…and yes I am grateful I got the help..shit moving is tough when you are well..throw in stage 4 cancer..moving back in with mom after 15 yrs ..and I have always leaned on her for some support over the years but she’s 80..she is very frail and I have to watch what I say..

Then there’s the online support groups such as facebook..but there’s no one size fits all..when you ask questions..sometimes you get answers..sometimes you don’t..and again every so often you get well go to a support group..and I have made my own little groups on facebook and really did try to help others..I even tried making my own support group in person a couple of years ago..no one came to the couple of meetings..well 2 chiropractors came ..and my doctor even came once.,which was so cool..but no one else..The pastor was nice at first..but when I ran into him walking dogs..he made some excuse to not talk to me..but it was pretty cold out..rejected by a Pastor too,my life story..

Before I moved I went to 2 social workers,..one had no experience with Cancer..gave me homework..and I told my story..I felt ignored and worse,,after she cleaned her glasses .,read her computer..and the Breast cancer social worker came across kinda jaded..and she was nicer to the wealthy women coming in..I did notice that…if you were poor.,or didn’t make much money..or didn’t have the right insurance..you were pushed a side,..I did pet sitting for over 20 yrs..just recently stopped for awhile..due to be being so exhausted..my mind going insane..and arguing with my mother because she lets me use her car and that it will start needing repairs..so I feel like I can’t win…and I try..I keep trying..but it’s frustrating..yes at least I am not homeless..and yes I am grateful..I would have to get rid of my animals..

Right at this moment..I’m not really depressed..not really manic..just here..maybe the steroid is wearing off..I had not much of an appetite for a couple of weeks..yes I know some women still work..have families..yes I know there are always someone that has it much harder than me..and just be quiet..or be thankful..or journal ..or go to a support group..well this is my journal..and I pray all the time..it is a new day..and I guess it could always be worse..

I know there are people dying and taking their last breath..


and that could be me sooner than later…but why does it bother me so much if someone doesn’t make eye contact with me.,when ever it happens it just pisses me off..l can be on the top of the world feeling great..and then someone does this..yes it shouldn’t matter and it’s exhausting to try to please so many people or look for approval,..I always think ..oh I will out grow this..or it won’t bother me as I get older it never goes away..

And especially if I am with another person in a store…in a restaurant..when the wait person only has a conversation with the other person and not you..sometimes I snap especially now..and say I have Cancer or something.,and one day I will say please look at me…it bothers me..and I need your approval it shouldn’t matter..but it does..to some..when my mom is feeling self conscious it bothers her if the cashier doesn’t acknowledge her and she’s not the one paying..and I know this bothers other people..especially if I am at a restaurant with someone and they don’t look at me ..I know people tend to look at those they feel more comfortable looking at…I have had it happen in reverse on occasion that someone will just focus on me and not the other person,,but not that often..I know this maybe silly..but is it?

We all want to be acknowledged right? I am living with Cancer..feeling the most unattractive I’ve ever felt..and it shouldn’t matter..and many times it’s how the other person feels about themselves..

So today I was feeling not as negative and depressed..I decide to go to cvs.and the cashier with the foreign accent can’t make eye contact with me..but as we are leaving looks up at my mom standing behind me.,yes it’s no big deal to her.,she was forced to take me …I have had a cashier tell me she was closed..that was the rudest..and she looked at me dead in the face while she took the next customer..my soul wants to scream..and this is America where people make eye contact yes..in some cultures they don’t and yes it shouldn’t matter…but no one likes to be treated badly..

Should any of this matter..? When I am laying in a hospital bed gasping for my last breath..like Oprah said..we all want to know that we matter.,I want to know that my life matters…I have spent most of my life hiding..hanging out with people I really didn’t like just to not be alone.,dating people I didn’t really like because they liked me..when do I matter..when does my opinion matter..yes if you are being arrested or breaking the law..you have the right to remain silent..I don’t know if any of this makes sense..I just know that in the 47 yrs of my life..I have watched human behavior..yes we don’t know what the other person is going thru..and the infusion room ️nurses who are giving me chemo may have a sick family member at home..and they make the effort to talk to me..and say..How Ya doing Sue? They don’t have to and some don’t.,I had one technician grab my finger..not introduce herself..not even tell me she was doing it..ok maybe poor people skills maybe because I never felt comfortable with her..irregardless..I am not a pin cushion..so I said you’re new here right? And she smirks and says her name ..as she trips over my bag..on the floor in her way..as I giggle to myself,,but who knows what’s right or wrong..I guess in a perfect world we would all get along and be nice to each other…and in the end none of it mattered..

So I feel I need to write more..


I paid for a reading yesterday..and it was filled with hope and honestly fairytale stuff..stuff that I don’t know if can happen..yes it cheered me up and I was buzzing with nice energy for a few hours..part of the reading spoke about me keeping busy and writing…I was told to write on paper and I started to..but that doesn’t seem to help..and blogging or writing on facebook seems to help more..yes on paper it’s more private..I guess I don’t care who reads this..I feel it’s ok to blog and anyway to help myself is ok..yes I can go buy a journal and probably fill it with pages and pages..but this works for me now..

I have been feeling stuck for awhile now..probably why I pay for readings,,hoping someone who was intuned and had gifts could guide in some direction..hopefully out of sorrow and a negative state..and it did help.,she mentioned about lovely things for the future and writing.,and publishing books…I asked about meeting someone for a relationship.,she mentioned in 3 yrs..and then back to the ex.,and owning two homes..yes all wonderful fabulous stuff..and I hope I live to do all this..and I try to be positive.,and I pray a lot..but I am prone to depression..and well my life is quite depressing..yes maybe there are more things I can do..so this morning I forced myself to walk nelson after seeing a frog photo on my phone from Rick..and a response to me taking a trip to Sedona..that upset me..but wasn’t meant in a negative way.,and this person has helped me greatly in the past…brought me to her home when I didn’t have a car…took me out to eat twice..gave me a book on healing Cancer ..mind ..body and soul..gave me a lovely handmade apron..sent me hand knitted hats last winter..bought some of my jewelry..and others have helped in little ways..and I am grateful for all of it..

At this moment I am trying to figure out if I need to up my Welbutrin..I sorta don’t want to because of added side effects..and the chemo and steroid has side effects..I find myself crying and feeling blue quite often and not being able to make many decisions..I was quite busy the last several weeks with pet sitting ..and I am just relaxing now..I realize that the pet sitting is too much for me..and I don’t have the money to make repairs on the car the more it is used..and these are people’s homes and pets.,I just am not in the right frame of mind if something goes wrong..I can barely take care of myself.,although it gets me out of the house and I use to bring my mom with me..it has become tougher looking after her and the animals..worrying about her falling..and she did at the one house..and she stopped going..which is for the best..right now I feel like I don’t contribute enough.,my brother works full time..and it’s just a weird place to be..so I do what I can..❤️❤️❤️